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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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F R O M T H E A R C H I V E S
BY JOHN HODGMAN- - - - It has long been my opinion that the sharing of knowledge is its own reward, particularly with regard to Cajun/Zydeco music. Yet it is my sad duty to report that some, it would seem, need encouragement in the manner of prizes. Thus, to each of the three winners of this small contest I offer this choice: you may ask me to come out of retirement to provide a professional assessment of the marketability of either a short story or non-fiction book proposal you have written; you may ask me to come out of retirement to solve a particularly puzzling murder (or series of murders); or you may have candy. Either way, you must write me here to claim your prize. If you are not one of these three, you may also write to me here to pose a question, which I will be happy to answer, though perhaps not as speedily as you would like. Your question may be on any subject, including the making of ultra-hot hot sauce and the definition of the Scoville unit. One question you may ask is this: what happened to the contest to Best Explain the Difference Between Cajun Cuisine and Creole Cuisine? I simply am not yet satisfied with the answers I have received, and so that contest, like American history, goes on. Here, then, are the results of the current Contest to Best Explain the Difference Between Cajun Music and Zydeco Music. In the category of "Briefest," the winner is JS Van Buskirk, an actual person, for the following analogical entry, which, though somewhat vague, is, you will agree, certainly brief:
In the category of "Most Savory," the winner is Ronnie Ivey, an actual person, for the following savory entry:
And finally, in the category of "Most Correct," the actual David Hansen is our winner:
Honorable Mention in the category of "Nearly Most Correct:" Zachary Rodgers. My congratulations and thanks go to all who participated and sought to untie this complex and strange-looking knot, one tied by an angry sailor on a ship of treachery afloat on an ocean of lies. Now here are your precious questions:
John Kellogg Hodgman, Former Professional Literary Agent: Writers groups are a wonderful way for a writer to meet and learn from his fellow artists, determine that he is smarter than them, form silent alliances against one or two especially hated colleagues, seek to become the most popular in the group, nurse a silent crush on another, prettier writer, and have his work reviewed by a collection of bitter amateurs who wish him only the worst. But I have also wondered: why should someone join an informal writing workshop when they could instead pay perfectly good money for the exact same experience at any one of hundreds of university creative writing programs across the country? But that is my question. To yours, I have no answer, as I advocate murder only rarely.
JKH, FPLA: I will say this only once more: The Lord of the Rings is not a trilogy. It is, however, the more marketable of the two works for many reasons. If you had won the contest mentioned above, I would happily provide you with a detailed analysis of why The Sound and The Fury, while not intrinsically an inferior work, certainly does have fewer hobbits. But to maintain the integrity of the hard-earned prize of the winners, I must be brief and say only this: hobbits.
JKH, FPLA: It does not matter how many kittens you have. What matters is that you name them. The crime of unnamed kittens is not something we should tolerate in our society any longer. I recommend these names, regardless of gender: Alan, Carl, Dick, Eleanor, and Doctor Theopolis. Also, have you considered writing a series of mysteries in which someone is murdered, and the cats solve the crime? Or a series of science fiction novels in which we are contacted by an alien race of large, bi-pedal, super intelligent cats whose natural grace and lithe self-licking abilities teach humanity a valuable lesson? Those are the best.
JKH, FPLA: I am reminded of the old Danish saying, "Laissez les bons temps roulez," which translates (roughly) to "To be or not to be." But that is the only Danish that I know, so I can't help you much there. Looks like this Kristina is your only hope. Now, only an evil person would not offer to pay his Danish friend to translate her own article into English. So if you are not evil, it is lucky for you that the Danes recently rejected the adoption of the euro and instead have kept the krone as their national currency: you will get a much better value for your dollar. But I know that you are evil. For we all know that there are no newspapers in Denmark, national or otherwise, as Denmark has no trees to with which to make them: it is a "Dane-mark" or "treeless land." What's more, if you truly do not speak or read Danish, how do you know that your friend's article is about "The Simpsons" at all? It seems I have snared you in your own web of deceit, and this is why I am constantly being asked by the police to come out of retirement and solve crimes. But I never will. Instead, and by your leave, dear readers, I will answer more questions. That is my meager contribution. That is all. John Hodgman
- - - - MORE ADVICE - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Ask a Former Professional Literary Agent, Part Five By John HodgmanEight Ways to Kill Someone by Using an iPod Nano, According to Ex-Marine Brad Collum By Kevin Fleming The Wholphin We've All Been Waiting For Alternative InSPOT E-Cards to Anonymously Inform Your Partners That They Might Have Been Exposed to an STD By Jay Dyckman Secret Shoppers Report on the U.S. Senate By Kate Hahn |
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