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F R O M T H E A R C H I V E S THE DANCE LESSON.BY TIM CARVELL- - - - 1. Listen to the beat of the music. 2. Oh, for God's sake. Then turn some music on, will you? You were going to try to dance without any music playing? What's wrong with you? 3. I don't know. Something lively. Something with a beat to it. No, not that. Not that either. Fine, that'll do. 4. Okay, now listen to the beat of the music. Clap along to it. No, that's not it—you're going too fast. No, now you're going too slowly. That's it, you've got—no, you've lost it again. 5. How about this: Instead of clapping, just try to move your feet a bit to the music. Just shuffle them at a pace that seems right to you. Good, good, you've got it. That looks nice. 6. Let's take this up a notch now. Start moving your arms around to the music. 7. OH MY GOD. STOP MOVING YOUR ARMS THIS INSTANT. What was that? What were you doing? What the fuck was that supposed to be? I told you to move your arms, not flap them. You looked like a total dork. 8. First things first: When you move your arms, bend your elbows a bit. You don't have to hold them perfectly straight when you move them. Just bend your elbows a little. Bend them. You can bend your elbows, can't you? There. 9. No, you're not supposed to lock your elbows at a perfect right angle, either. You look like an organ grinder's monkey. Just relax a bit. Relax. RELAX! 10. So it's my fault that you can't relax? I don't think I've been "screaming at" you. I think I may have gotten a little agitated. I may have raised my voice a bit. But that doesn't constitute screaming. 11. Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're right. I was wrong, you were right. I know that teaching you to dance was my idea, and you've been a really good sport. I'm a jerk. I admit it. But I only yell at you because I want so badly to see you succeed—you know that. C'mon. Let's start over. Let's go back to where you were just shuffling your feet to the music. 12. Good, good, good. You're doing great. Just great. You look terrific. Now, let's try moving your arms a little to the music—just sway them back and forth a bit. 13. Um, okay, okay, that's ... nice. That's really nice. But, you know, like I said before, you're allowed to bend your elbows just a bit. 14. That's super. Just super. You keep this up, and you'll be dancing great in no time. Now, try and vary your movements just a bit. Just go with the flow of the music. Improvise a little. You know, do what feels natural. 15. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh. It's just that, when I told you do what felt natural, I had no idea that what felt natural to you would be looking like ... this. 16. Why are you crying? Oh, for Christ's sake, it's always like this with you, isn't it? I try and do something nice for you, and all of a sudden, you're all in tears because it hasn't turned out the way you planned. This is the thanks I get? Look: I'm trying to help you. I knew you'd have more fun if you knew how to dance, and so I agreed to take the time to teach you—time that I could have spent somewhere else, somewhere fun, hanging out with people who don't burst into tears for no reason. People who know how to take a fucking joke. I had other plans for today, but instead, here I am, being guilt-tripped by you for, like, the millionth time. You know I don't need this. You know I've got trust issues I've been working through. But don't let that stop you. No—you go right on ahead. Keep on crying, making me feel like a heel for trying to help you. 17. You're damn right, you're sorry. 18. Because I don't want to teach you, that's why. 19. Now you're going to dance? Without any input from me? Go ahead. Dance. I don't care. 20. I'm not watching you. 21. Okay, one quick pointer: You're still not bending your arms. Just a little. Just bend them a little. No, that's a jig. You're doing a jig. Oh, for God's sake ... - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - The Dance Lesson By Tim CarvellAsk a Former Professional Literary Agent, Part Five By John Hodgman Eight Ways to Kill Someone by Using an iPod Nano, According to Ex-Marine Brad Collum By Kevin Fleming The Wholphin We've All Been Waiting For Alternative InSPOT E-Cards to Anonymously Inform Your Partners That They Might Have Been Exposed to an STD By Jay Dyckman |
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