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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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EXISTENTIAL PLEAS AND RESIGNATIONS MAD LIBS. BY ED MURRAY - - - - Dear _____ (preferred deity of choice), I realized something very _____ (adjective) today as I was washing my _____ (animal), and that something is this: You are a/an _____ (adverb) cruel _____ (personal expletive pronoun). Last night, after drinking seven shots of _____ (least favorite hard liquor) and snorting enough _____ (cocaine) to make _____ (politician) blush, it became clear: It really is them, and not me. I am the one who is completely _____ (helpless state of being) when it comes to the _____ (favorite color) personal relationships in my life, and yet, I share my innermost _____ (type of candy) with no one else on this _____ (adjective) planet ... because they are all _____ (insulting adjective) _____ (extinct animals). I _____ (hate) them all, and I hope they meet a _____ (adjective) demise, choking on a platter of their own _____ (Applebee's appetizer). This _____ (adjective) catharsis made me feel _____ (smiley emotion) and strangely alone, simultaneously. How can I connect with these _____ (herd animals) I am surrounded by on a daily basis? I am just so sick of _____ (synonym for "crying") in the _____ (part of your house) every day ... Maybe it would help if I shoved a fistful of _____ (vegetables) into my _____ (bodily orifice). It makes my heart _____ (verb) when I see the defeat in my parents' _____ (body parts), and it becomes _____ (adverb) clear that they love the _____ (type of car) more than _____ (sibling's name) ... Maybe I should stab my _____ (genitalia) with a _____ (sharp object). Today I have decided to buy a _____ (noun), which will serve as a _____ (metaphor), and as a _____ (timeless adjective) symbol for the _____ (expletive)-faced servitude I am bound to in this life ... no more in control than the most _____ (adjective)-minded of _____ (farm animals). I am trying desperately to _____ ("st_p") myself from (active violent act) all of my co-workers ... except _____ (person in the room). I've always wanted to _____ (forceful sexual act) him/her/it. I didn't ask to be _____ (born). If reincarnation does exist, please leave me out of it. Thank you, you _____ (adjective expletive) _____ (racist slur). With all of my _____ (extremely volatile and oftentimes frightening emotion), _____ (dead philosopher) "_____" (favorite Rolling Stones song) _____ (name of favorite bathhouse), Jr. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Existential Pleas and Resignations Mad Libs By Ed Murray Dateline: To Catch a Predator: Humbert Humbert By Jeff Barnosky We're Having a Contest, With Prizes The Manoni Brothers Have Sent You an e-Threat! By M. Sweeney Lawless Spam Finally Taps Into Male Desires By Eric Silver

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL