EXISTENTIAL PLEAS
AND RESIGNATIONS
MAD LIBS.
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Dear _____ (preferred deity of choice),
I realized something very _____ (adjective) today as I was washing my _____ (animal), and that something is this: You are a/an _____ (adverb) cruel _____ (personal expletive pronoun).
Last night, after drinking seven shots of _____ (least favorite hard liquor) and snorting enough _____ (cocaine) to make _____ (politician) blush, it became clear: It really is them, and not me.
I am the one who is completely _____ (helpless state of being) when it comes to the _____ (favorite color) personal relationships in my life, and yet, I share my innermost _____ (type of candy) with no one else on this _____ (adjective) planet ... because they are all _____ (insulting adjective) _____ (extinct animals). I _____ (hate) them all, and I hope they meet a _____ (adjective) demise, choking on a platter of their own _____ (Applebee's appetizer).
This _____ (adjective) catharsis made me feel _____ (smiley emotion) and strangely alone, simultaneously. How can I connect with these _____ (herd animals) I am surrounded by on a daily basis? I am just so sick of _____ (synonym for "crying") in the _____ (part of your house) every day ... Maybe it would help if I shoved a fistful of _____ (vegetables) into my _____ (bodily orifice). It makes my heart _____ (verb) when I see the defeat in my parents' _____ (body parts), and it becomes _____ (adverb) clear that they love the _____ (type of car) more than _____ (sibling's name) ... Maybe I should stab my _____ (genitalia) with a _____ (sharp object).
Today I have decided to buy a _____ (noun), which will serve as a _____ (metaphor), and as a _____ (timeless adjective) symbol for the _____ (expletive)-faced servitude I am bound to in this life ... no more in control than the most _____ (adjective)-minded of _____ (farm animals). I am trying desperately to _____ ("st_p") myself from (active violent act) all of my co-workers ... except _____ (person in the room). I've always wanted to _____ (forceful sexual act) him/her/it. I didn't ask to be _____ (born).
If reincarnation does exist, please leave me out of it.
Thank you, you _____ (adjective expletive) _____ (racist slur).
With all of my _____ (extremely volatile and oftentimes frightening emotion),
_____ (dead philosopher) "_____" (favorite Rolling Stones song) _____ (name of favorite bathhouse), Jr.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Existential Pleas and Resignations Mad Libs By Ed Murray
Dateline: To Catch a Predator: Humbert Humbert By Jeff Barnosky
We're Having a Contest, With Prizes
The Manoni Brothers Have Sent You an e-Threat! By M. Sweeney Lawless
Spam Finally Taps Into Male Desires By Eric Silver
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