FUTURE
GARFIELD STRIPS,
IF GARFIELD AGED
AT THE NORMAL
FELINE RATE
(BASED ON REAL-LIFE
EXPERIENCES WITH A
TWENTYSOMETHING CAT).
- - - -
Garfield loses control over his bowels and starts defecating in random places around the house, causing Jon to slap himself and say, "Oh, bother." In the next frame, Garfield defecates on Jon's pillow. Jon rolls over into it and says, "Geez, Hump Day. Just my
luck."
- - - -
Garfield develops a thyroid condition, causing him to vomit regularly. After eating three pans of lasagna in one bite, Garfield hurls in Jon's face, then on his shoes, then on Pooky. Garfield then lets out a massive burp and smiles, as Odie licks the puke off Jon's face. "If only I could get Suzanne to do that," Jon says.
- - - -
Jon takes Garfield to the vet, who prescribes medication for Garfield's thyroid problem, which Jon has to administer in the next frame. He inserts a pill into the special device designed to go down Garfield's throat and tries to cram it into Garfield's mouth.
Garfield responds by viciously clawing Jon on the arms, legs, and face. "Stick that there again and I'll stick you!" the thought bubble above Garfield's head says. Jon slouches. "That's what Claire said, too," he responds.
- - - -
It becomes clear that Jon is only keeping Garfield alive in order to hit on the sexy veterinarian, Liz, when Jon seems unconcerned that Liz can no longer find a vein to take Garfield's blood from. Liz recommends euthanasia and Jon says he doesn't know anything about Chinese kids.
Garfield vomits.
- - - -
Garfield loses energy because of his medication and sleeps even more than before. As his breathing slows to near-fatal levels, Jon chuckles and says, "That's one lazy cat." Odie does a somersault.
- - - -
Garfield's claws and whiskers begin falling off at odd times. Nermal makes light of this, and Garfield responds by halfheartedly swiping a paw before defecating on the floor and passing out.
- - - -
Garfield refuses to eat his prescription cat food, so, at the advice of the vet, Jon mixes it with baby food. Garfield eats it up and Jon smiles. "That's one ugly baby," he says. As Jon calls the vet back to thank her for the tip, Garfield begins to convulse and vomit profusely. Jon cups the phone and tells Garfield to "shush." Garfield chokes on his
own vomit as Jon asks the vet out. Odie trots over to Garfield's lifeless body and starts to lick up the puke.
(This one might work best as a Sunday strip.)
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Future Garfield Strips, If Garfield Aged at the Normal Feline Rate (Based on Real-Life Experiences With a Twentysomething Cat) By Andrew and Edward Kirkpatrick
We Must Never Forget Whatever Happened Here Today By John Howell Harris
George Viebranz Has Taken to His Bed By George Viebranz
Stephen Dixon Returns
Warnings I've Tried to Sneak Into the Fine Print at the Bottom of Your TV Screen By Dan Kennedy
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