SUPERMAN RETURNS
(A DEFECTIVE
DVD PLAYER).
- - - -
— Hi. Excuse me. I'd like to return th—
— Oh. Sorry. I didn't realize.
— Ha ha! Yes, good point, you really would think I'd notice a line like that, what with the X-ray vision and all. That's a good one! So, uh, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how long would you say the wait is?
— Ouch! Listen, is there any way I could maybe take a number, go away, and come back? It's just that I've got a lot of stuff on my plate today. There's a cat stuck in a tree three blocks from here ... an orphanage on fire in Toronto ... a drought in Nigeria ... I don't mean to sound like a jerk or anything—really. I'm just kind of slammed today.
— No, no, I understand. Rules are rules. I'll just go wait over there. While the orphans burn.
(One hour and 45 minutes later.)
— Hey, hi. Me again. You may not remember, but we met around two hours ago. I was the superhero you told to wait? So listen: I got this DVD player, and it turns out that the frame-advance feature doesn't work.
— No, my powers don't include the ability to slow down a DVD. Why would that even be a superpower? It's not like, thanks to your planet's yellow sun, I suddenly have dominion over home appliances.
— Does it really matter why I want to use the frame-advance feature?
— I don't think it would be any business of yours if I were, as you say, "sitting around the Fortress of Solitude frame-advancing through Halle Berry's nude scenes." Which I'm not.
— Look, sometimes I just like to use it to pick up details I missed, OK? Just drop it. What do I have to do to get my money back?
— Well, no, it was a gift, y'see, so I don't—
— Really? A "gift receipt"? I've never heard of such a thing.
— Yeah, well, maybe when they came into vogue I was busy, I dunno, saving Metropolis from General Zod.
— No, I don't want a medal, and I'm quite pleased with my chest. Also, I don't appreciate your tone.
— There's really no need to repeat what I just said back to me in a high-pitched girlie voice.
— Hey, c'mon, cut it out!
— Thank you. Now: Can I return this, or not?
— So let me get this straight: You sold a defective product, and now, because I don't have a tiny slip of paper, I'm stuck with it? I have a friend at the Daily Planet who might be very interested in this story.
— No, my friend at the Planet doesn't need to get out more. He's actually quite charming and—
— What do you mean you're going on break? We're in the middle of a conversation! No! Wait! Don't you dare pull that barrier down!
— Well, that's odd. I—I can't see through the barrier. My X-ray vision—it's failing me. It seems my superpowers are no match for your awesome and complete indifference. I'm feeling weak. Must leave ... store ... and return home ... Cable guy coming ... between 2 and 6. Can't miss appointment ... Impossible ... to reschedule.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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