GAME NIGHT
WITH BARRY BONDS.
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Monopoly
Barry, as usual, decides to be the banker. Everything is going fine, until Mom leaves to get the popcorn out of the microwave. It is at that point that Barry lands on Pennsylvania Avenue, Mom's cash cow. He offers you $20 to roll and not tell your mother he landed on her property. Later, you notice that Barry has "forgotten" to pay his Bank Inspector Community Chest card to the Free Parking. You decide to let it go and continue playing, but when a hotel magically appears on Marvin Gardens, you accuse Barry of cheating. He flips over the board, and your mother sorrowfully wonders aloud, "When will you two get along?"
Scrabble
As he heads to the kitchen, you ask Barry if he's interested in a game of Scrabble. Barry agrees to play, with a few conditions. First and foremost, no one is allowed to challenge his words. You try to explain to Barry that if he uses a questionable word, people will want to know whether it counts. Barry curtly replies, "Then I won't play." You concede to Bonds's conditions, and bite your tongue when he receives a triple-word score for BALCO.
Risk
Having successfully pushed the red forces out of Western United States, you sport the more powerful military. But it's getting late, and you have that calc test at 9 the next morning. You call it a night and decide to reconvene the next evening to finish the game. The next morning at breakfast, Barry begins complaining that your conquest of North America overshadowed his grueling foray into Asia. When you return from class, you notice that his army in Kamchatka is now so large that it barely fits inside the country's borders. Also, you're missing a box of Fruit Roll-Ups. With a much larger army, Barry easily conquers Eurasia and sets his sights on destroying your empire. You accuse Barry of using illicit means to get to the top. He clears the board with a single swing, and begins hinting that maybe he will never play Risk again.
Pictionary
Being teamed up with Barry has you a little concerned, especially after the incident earlier that evening when you insulted his suggestion to bring a shrimp platter instead of Chex Mix. Everything is seemingly settled as the timer is started and you begin to draw. Barry, though, just sits there, refusing to offer a guess. Time runs out without Barry saying a word. "You know, you're acting like your friend Greg," you tell him. "Maybe now you won't be so critical," he says. Fed up, you shout, "I'm sorry that not everybody likes shrimp!" Barry grabs his jacket, announces his knee isn't feeling well, and leaves. An awkward silence is ended by your apology.
Clue
You have constructed a pretty solid case against Miss Scarlet and feel fairly confident she used the rope for her dastardly deed. Your guess at the location of the murder is disproven by a friend's card. As you look at the card, out of the corner of your eye you see Barry craning his neck to sneak a peek. Sure enough, on his very next turn, Barry announces it was Miss Scarlet with the rope in the conservatory. Pointing to the sky, he revels in his victory. "You cheated," you exclaim in disbelief. "I didn't realize that was cheating," Barry counters, and leaves to get a ham sandwich. "You are no fun to play with," you mutter and flip the board.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Game Night With Barry Bonds By Eugene Tucker
The Recruitment of Harry Potter By Craig Berman
Announcing the Revenge of the Book Eaters Tour
If the Head Counselor at My Old Summer Camp Wrote a Household Q&A Column By David Jaggard
A Lost Scene Involving Louis, a Turkey Character Cut During the Final Edit of Charlotte's Web By Ann Asher
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