THE ANDOVER
GRADE REPORTS OF
GEORGE W. BUSH,
SENIOR YEAR.
BY JEFF BARNOSKY
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Political Satire in Modern Literature: C
George often seems bored in class, but I do find it heartening to find him so engaged in our discussion on Animal Farm, even if he frequently asks how "all of these animals are talking." In his essay, George wrote passionately about the "oinkers and moo-cows striving for freedom and democracy, defending themselves bravely against the evil dictator Jones." Unfortunately, George seems to have not fully grasped (or fully read) much of the rest of the book. He describes the animals' lives as a perfect example of what happens when democracy is allowed to flourish. He also says that "Napoleon did a heck of a job" and that Snowball should "stop doing that shit." While I can live with the profanity, the analysis leaves a lot to be desired.
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History of the Middle East: Withdrawn
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Advanced Biology: C
George sits in the back row and frequently interrupts my lectures with snickers and giggles. During our discussion of the reproductive cycle of the fruit fly, he walked to the front of the room, told the class to "earmuff it," and attempted to cover my mouth. We have discussed at great length the situation with the dissection of the fetal pig, but George caused another commotion in the classroom when he decided to throw all the Arthropoda out the window so they could "break the shells of tyranny and give birth to democracy." After much consideration, I've decided I won't let George turn his back to me during my lectures on the flora and fauna of the Galápagos, and he is not allowed to refer to Darwin's Beagle as "the Snoopy ship."
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The Constitution and Modern Society: Withdrawn
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World Religions: Incomplete
What a breath of fresh air! George's folksy wisdom and constant (almost like clockwork) refrains of "Lemme get this straight!" and "They think what now?" bring an air of calculated (I hope) naiveté to our usually intense and searching dialogues about belief systems throughout history and across the globe. Though other students, in the midst of reconciling their own beliefs with those of others, sometimes suffer crises of faith, George has remained steadfast! Unfortunately, George's final grade will remain an Incomplete until I receive his paper "Waiting for the End of the World: How I Plan to Hurry Up Armageddon and Get the Rapture Started." I can't wait!
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Physical Education: A+
Great job, George! Keep up the good work!
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Logic (in place of Calculus): C-
No! I'm sure George is plenty tired of hearing that word from my lips, but I simply cannot allow him to contort the rules, conventions, and basic laws of thought just because his proofs always "seem about right." I simply cannot pass a student who insists on believing, and attempting to prove, this syllogism:
George is Awesome.
All Awesome people are George.
Therefore, George is Awesome (in bed).
Clearly, George is determined to twist logic to prove what only he, and a few of his buddies in the back row, believe to be true. No! I say. His work, so far, has been an abomination to common sense and rational thought.
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Presidential Power and Its Limits: Withdrawn
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The Maliciously Maligned Monarchy: A+
What an excellent, attentive student! George sits with rapt attention through my lectures, taking copious notes and asking pointed, intelligent questions. He is frequently concerned with revolutions, and the threat they pose to those in power. While the beatniks and hippies want to tear down our great country, starting with the White House, young men like this make me yearn for the days when we said with pride, "All hail King George!"
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Forensics: C-
Though George started strong this semester, he did poorly on the final project. The students were to discover whether or not I had placed a weather-monitoring device on the roof of a building in the center of town. The idea of the assignment was to have them gather evidence through investigation and deduction. It's clear George did neither, and simply took the word of one of his fellow classmates, who, as it turned out, did not have the foggiest notion. In the future, George should understand that just because it appears a person has done something, like put a weather-monitoring device on a city roof, that in no way proves it has actually been done.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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The Andover Grade Reports of George W. Bush, Senior Year By Jeff Barnosky
Yeah, Air Travel Does Seem a Little Weird Right Now
Game Night With Barry Bonds By Eugene Tucker
The Recruitment of Harry Potter By Craig Berman
Announcing the Revenge of the Book Eaters Tour
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