NIKE
INFANT AND TODDLER
SCOUTING REPORT.
BY KEN BUDD
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Re: Evaluation of players in St. Michael's Hospital Maternity Ward League and the Shaquille O'Neal Gynecology and Pediatric Center Predraft Camp.
1. Baby X (name not yet determined), guard/forward
Sonograms show long arms and above-average hand size; scouts rave he's a fetal Larry Bird. Seems active in the womb: good indicator he'll be able to create his own shot. Projected as a two-guard, though may be able to play either forward spot. Won't know for certain until he's born. Circumcision will be good test of toughness.
2. Timmy Timmerson, forward
Good foot speed, though still crawling. Terrific rebounder when upright; will be more effective when he stops pulling jersey over face. (Likes to pull up jersey, hide face, pull jersey down, giggle, then pull jersey up again. Scouts now question his commitment to the game.) Despite potential character risks, suggest we sign immediately: Adidas reps are giving him free shoes and onesies.
3. Tyler Kennedy, center
Runs the floor well despite wearing diapers. (Scouts suggest he switch to more aerodynamic Sports Huggies.) Would like to see him hit the weight room: will undoubtedly extend shooting range once he can lift ball over head. Offseason skill development is essential. Could be a has-been by the time he's 3.
4. Christopher "Magic" Johnson, guard
One-year-old phenom. Already plays like a 2-year-old. Scouts say he's the best ballhandler they've seen in years: can hold ball without falling. Turnover rate should drop considerably if he stops drooling. Defense and rebounding need work: seems more interested in breastfeeding than boxing out.
5. (Child not yet conceived), center
Agents for parents seeking multimillion-dollar preconception contract. Our reps have spoken with them about exclusive shoe line for athletic infants ("Air Preemies"). Good lineage here: the mother has already given birth to three-time All-Star Billy Smith, the 3-foot-8-inch big man in the New York City Lil' Dribblers League. Following conception, all ultrasounds to be reviewed and monitored by Nike staff physicians and Dick Vitale.
6. Lebron James Kozlowski, small forward
Lacking in fundamentals, but shows great tenacity: bit three players during recent Fisher-Price tournament. If this kid can grow another five or six feet, and add about 230-250 pounds, and learn to pass, dribble, defend, steal, rebound, set screens, and shoot—lay-ups, jumpers, hooks, turnarounds, free throws—we could be looking at a lottery pick in 2029. (Need to monitor bed-wetting issues. Could affect his marketability.)
7. Ethan Marshmallow, guard
Selfish underachiever. Total baby. Lacks toughness. Expected to sign with Knicks.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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