THE FUJITA SCALE OF
TORNADIC ACTIVITY.
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F0
Gale Tornado
40–72 MPH
Some damage to chimneys. Tree branches broken off. Shallow-rooted trees uprooted. No big deal, unless, of course, it hits your house. Still, what are you, a fuckin' baby? Stand up and take it, man. It's just some wind.
F1
Moderate Tornado
73–112 MPH
Shingles peeled off roofs. Mobile homes overturned. Moving autos pushed off roads. OK, it might be time to worry a little. One hundred and twelve miles per hour is pretty fast. Remember that time you and that guy were in your dad's big old Buick, and you pushed it to, like, 118? Holy shit, that was awesome!
F2
Significant Tornado
113–157 MPH
Considerable damage. Roofs torn off frame houses. Large trees snapped or uprooted. Light-object missiles generated. Missiles? Wow. This sounds like Wizard of Oz-type shit. Go jump in the bathtub and hope for the best.
F3
Severe Tornado
158–206 MPH
Severe damage. Roofs and some walls torn off well-constructed homes. Trains overturned. Most trees in forests uprooted. Heavy cars lifted off ground. Man, this Fujita guy must get around. He's looking at well-constructed homes, trains, forests, highways—all in one tornado? How long was that thing on the ground, man? Still—no way that Buick would be lifted off the ground. That thing was solid.
F4
Devastating Tornado
207–260 MPH
Well-constructed homes leveled. Structures with weak foundations blown some distance. Cars thrown and large missiles generated. Holy fuck. You're pretty much dead at this point. You're over the rainbow and under the ground, man. Forget it. Even the Buick's not gonna save you, even though there was one time when you and that guy were kinda drunk and riding around, and you took that hill by the house really fucking fast, and you were airborne, man! For, like, four seconds! It was like those guys from the parking garage in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, the guys who took Cameron's car and drove it all over the place and put all those miles on it! Man, that was a great movie—they were skyin' up there, in that awesome car. Sweet! Remember when Cameron kicks the car and it falls off the jack and goes out the window?
F5
Incredible Tornado
261–318 MPH
Strong frame houses lifted off foundations and disintegrated. Automobile-sized missiles flying through the air in excess of 100 mph. Trees debarked. Shit, at this point, my dog would be debarked. Man, everyone would die. Three hundred and eighteen miles per hour? Shit.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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The Fujita Scale of Tornadic Activity By Delia Guzman
Silly Things My 3-Year-Old Said That I'm Certain the Rest of the World Would Find Sweet and Cute By Dan Kennedy
A Complaint to the California State Karate Association Regarding the Mr. Miyagi School of Karate By Rick Stoeckel
The History of the Beloved Children's Book Series the Berenstain Bears By Doogie Horner
The Andover Grade Reports of George W. Bush, Senior Year By Jeff Barnosky
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