PRELIMINARY
BETTING LINE—
BIGFOOT V. ALIENS.
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To: Mr. DiMaccio
From: The Kid
Re: Preliminary Betting Line—Bigfoot v. Aliens
After seeing an article in the Weekly World News entitled "Bigfoot to Fight Aliens," you asked me to assess the probable outcome of the fight and prepare a preliminary betting line. Unfortunately, the names, identities, and star systems of the aliens in question have not been released. And, as expected, Bigfoot has been notably mum on the issue. Moreover, I continue to question the accuracy of the article and believe it may be a hoax. Nevertheless, I have followed your directive and prepared a preliminary betting line. I hope this meets with your approval.
Bigfoot. Bigfoot's attributes are well known: the arm strength, the mountain climbing, the numerous aliases, the stick-to-it-iveness, and, of course, the not insignificantly proportioned feet. But what truly sets Bigfoot apart from other hominids is the little things. For starters, Bigfoot is remarkably lithe for a hulking, stinking Neander-ape-thing. His ability to move through the forest in near silence is unparalleled. Second, according to a police report filed by one T-Bone Johnston of Troutdate, Oregon, Bigfoot can evidently "huck stuff really good." Specifically, Mr. T-Bone recounts that Bigfoot or "something else real sinister" once hit him with a rock from "way out yonder." (From the video, it appeared that "yonder" was a good distance away, thus demonstrating a fairly impressive throwing arm.) Finally, reports are nearly unanimous that he is quite a yowler. How this impacts his ability to fight aliens is unclear, but it cannot be discounted.
The Aliens. First off, the plural use of the word "aliens" in the story indicates that Bigfoot will be taking on multiple aliens. This makes sense, of course, considering that aliens seldom travel alone. For every loner alien, like Starman, K-Pax, or Mork, you have at least 10 species that will fight en masse, like E.T. and his crew, or those sneaky lizard folk in V. Although the reason most aliens fight in packs is unknown, it is believed that intergalactic travel takes a hell of a long time, and we can reason that aliens feel safer when a homey has their back. In any event, past experience demonstrates that even when an alien initially mounts a solo attack, he will generally recover from any initial setbacks and roll up with the full gang. (See Predator 2 and Aliens for recent examples.)
Physically, most aliens bring little to the table. I mean, you've seen Aliens—they're skinny suckers with big heads and creepy eyes. But what they lack in fitness they make up for in finesse. For example, some of them can latch onto your face real, real tight, and that dude in Predator could apparently climb trees despite being hampered by terrible vision issues. Finally, their weaponry is decidedly superior to that of Bigfoot. From stasis guns to freeze guns to tractor guns to standard-issue "ray" guns, alien killing devices are high-tech and impressive. Compare that to Bigfoot's favorite weapons—rocks, sticks, his own poo—and you'll see that the aliens have a notable advantage.
The Fight. Take away the aliens' number advantage and Bigfoot would take this in a cake walk. Yeah, the aliens have them pansy-assed weapons and the whatnot, but we're talking about Bigfoot here!!! What Bigfoot loses in his rather primitive projectiles he certainly makes up for in stealth, shagginess, and overall forest élan. A freaking lone alien wouldn't see him coming at all! You roll up on this thing solo, and I don't care if you're the Predator or Jason X himself, you're gonna get rocked.
But, proceeding under the assumption that the aliens will bring their full set, I just have to give it to the challengers. Yeah, Biggie'll probably ace a few of these punks, but, damn, when the aliens do spot his Bigfoot ass, they'll blast his fool arm off. After that, it's an easy scamper down his throat followed by a destructive clamber out of his chest cavity. Over.
In conclusion, despite my obvious misgivings and clear desire to favor the hometown hero, I have to go with the aliens on this one. Had the headline read "Bigfoots to Fight Aliens," the outcome might have been far different, but, alas, Bigfoot's reluctance to team up is simply going to cost him here.
Bigfoot +2.5.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Preliminary Betting Line—Bigfoot v. Aliens By Richard D. Ross
Anticlimactic Retellings of Near-Death Experiences Rejected for Inclusion in a Forthcoming Talk-Show Segment Entitled "Life, Death, and Beyond" By Eric Feezell
Bedtime Stories by Thom Yorke By David Hart
Some Children Like to Write Books, Some Children Like to Eat Books: Buy Tickets and Support Them Both
The Fujita Scale of Tornadic Activity By Delia Guzman
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