LET'S JUST GET
MEL OUT OF OUR SYSTEM
AND THEN MOVE ON.
- - - -
Substances
and Their Effects
on Mel Gibson.
- - - -
Beer: anti-Semitism
Wine: hatred of Gypsies
Aspirin: mild disdain for babies
Chocolate: distrust of squirrels
Iced tea: quizzing mentally disabled Wal-Mart greeter about his involvement in 9/11
Oxygen: being a total douchebag
- - - -
Mel Gibson's
Rehabilitation Counselor
at "Promises" Reviews Her
Notes From Yesterday's
Group Session.
- - - -
9:30 a.m. Began session.
Went around circle and had group reintroduce themselves to one
another. Process went fairly smoothly. Only one member had to be
reminded to refer to members of group by first name and not body
parts. Apologies were accepted and the group moved on.
Asked group to begin writing list of people who have been hurt by
their addictions and behavior. Always a difficult part of the session
but generally good progress made by all. Most of group listed
parents, friends, lovers, and even acquaintances and co-workers from
several years past. Mel's list currently stands at 12.9 million.
Note to self: Must think outside the box on this one.
Interesting developments during the exchange of ideas on how to right
the wrongs we've committed. Aaron's suggestion to write personal
notes chronicling past behavior and offer apologies was encouraged.
And Nancy's decision to compensate those who lost material items was
also considered a step in the right direction. Mel took longer to
grasp the concept. Group roundly rejected his idea to send
autographed copies of Passion of the Christ to all those who were
offended. This idea actually better received than Mel's original
thought to send autographed copies of Lethal Weapon 3.
Inappropriate laughter occurred. Note to self: Clamp down on this
behavior. Unhelpful.
Mel also offered to initiate new project as part of healing process.
Suggested perhaps drawing upon his trademark "buddy cop" genre.
Fairly tepid response from group to this idea. And offer to replace
"Negro sidekick" with "Jewish sidekick" not well received. At all.
Entire group needed to be reminded that apologies should remain
focused on their own behavior and should not be of the "I'm sorry you're a
___" variety. Some members of group needed more reminding than
others here. Note to self: Revisit this point. Several times.
Addressing reasons for addiction problems rendered some real progress.
Carl acknowledged that his father's emotional distance had taken a bigger
toll than he had wanted to admit. And Barbara did some impressive
soul-searching about her fears of failure and disappointing her loved
ones. Though Mel was not accomplishing as much success as others, did get him
to agree that the Jews were not responsible for at least the Myanmar
conflict near the Thai border, the one featuring those creepy
12-year-old Htoo twins. All agreed this was an important concession
and a real step forward. Opportunity to address more current
conflicts wisely avoided by entire group.
Mel opted not to address issues with his parents, specifically his
father. The group tacitly supported this decision.
A setback occurred when Mel once again began speaking in tongues
during Karen's turn to share. Order restored once Mel was asked
repeatedly to "use his words" and apologize to Karen for interrupting
her account of several hard years sleeping behind a Wal-Mart. Mel
reminded again that it is not relevant to his outburst whether
Karen is a Jew. Karen also reprimanded for unintelligible comment
about "getting off" something and "needing the wood." Note to self: Remind group to speak up when addressing others.
Others offered to help Mel in tracing the reasons for addiction problems. Nancy's suggestion that Mel's lackluster performance in What Women Want and The Man Without a Face had facilitated his addiction sparked a lively debate. No resolution reached here, although all seemed to agree, Mel included, that Signs certainly did not help.
Noon. Finished session.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Let's Just Get Mel Out of Our System and Then Move On
Nike Infant and Toddler Scouting Report By Ken Budd
Convergences: Beirut/Warsaw By Lawrence Weschler
Unaired Commercials Featuring "the Burger King" By Ben Ball
States I Refuse to Acknowledge as Midwestern By Meghann Marco
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