THE 4-YEAR-OLD
IS BUSTED FOR DWI.
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5:42 p.m. Join Gary from marketing for happy hour at the Broken Glass to celebrate the success of the chocolate-margarine account. Receive sneer from bartender after ordering a "Fuzzy Bellybutton."
6:38 p.m. Order fourth drink. Play "drink-umbrella sword fight" with new best friend, Sheri. Ask to sit on her lap. Fail to notice Gary leaving.
7:10 p.m. Stand on barstool with mouth full of pretzels and sing, "I love happy-birthday hour, I love happy-birthday hour!"
7:15 p.m. Get thrown out of bar after running away with balls from billiard game in progress. At exit, stick tongue out at bartender and feel sense of satisfaction in having the last word.
7:20 p.m. Get behind wheel of Smart Car. Manage to turn key in ignition but fail to buckle booster. Insert Raffi CD and turn it up full blast. Feel yucky. Decide to rest eyes for just a minute.
7:28 p.m. Awaken to sound of police officer tapping on window with flashlight. Turn down Raffi and lower window. Cop asks, "Have you been drinking?" Answer, "No, thank you. I'm not thirsty."
7:30 p.m. When asked to show some identification, offer cop crayon self-portrait. Told to step out of car.
7:33 p.m. Unable to walk straight line as requested. Tell officer, "But I can do a somersault. Watch." Demonstrate.
7:39 p.m. Go for drive in back of police car. When vehicle turns corner quickly, go "Wheee!" Fall asleep 35 seconds later.
7:52 p.m. Awakened by officer at police station. Hold arms open in sleepy "carry me" gesture.
8:01 p.m. Inside processing area, booking officer holds out Breathalyzer and requests sample. Mistake gadget for cell phone and say, "Hello, hello, I love you" into tube.
8:05 p.m. Give address as "gray house next door to Peter," adding that Peter has a pool, two dogs, and a kitty. Booking officer inquires about tattoos or distinguishing marks; point to boo-boo on knee. Asked about any gang affiliations, reply, "Sheri's my best friend. She smells like candy. I'll see her again soon."
8:16 p.m. Fingerprinting. Hold up inky fingers and say, "Uh-oh!"
8:21 p.m. Mug shot. Say, "Cheese!," then become flustered when officer says, "Turn to your left. No, your left. The other way. No, over there. Look at the door over there."
8:33 p.m. Enter jail cell. See homeless man passed out on cot. Turn to guard and whisper, "Shhh, he's sleeping."
8:42 p.m. Urge to pee becomes overwhelming. Reluctantly use cell's open toilet. Stand awkwardly so that sleeping homeless man can't see. Call attention to self by yelling, "No peeking!"
8:53 p.m. Climb bars and announce, "I'm a monkey!"
8:56 p.m. Crawling on floor like a snake, get head stuck through bars. Crying and calls for help are ignored as typical drunk-tank behavior. Fall asleep 35 seconds later. Dream of cocktail umbrellas.
- - - -
Previously:
The 4-Year-Old's Workday,
The 4-Year-Old on a Blind Date,
and The 4-Year-Old Enters Anger Management.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
The 4-Year-Old Is Busted for DWI By Ross Murray
Let's Just Get Mel Out of Our System and Then Move On
Nike Infant and Toddler Scouting Report By Ken Budd
Convergences: Beirut/Warsaw By Lawrence Weschler
Unaired Commercials Featuring "the Burger King" By Ben Ball
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