A LOST SCENE
INVOLVING LOUIS,
A TURKEY CHARACTER
CUT DURING THE
FINAL EDIT OF
CHARLOTTE'S WEB.
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"I see where you're going with the 'Some Pig' thing, but don't you think it's so vague that it's not even worth writing?" Louis squawked. "I mean, 'Some Pig'—sure, and there's some geese, and some rats—it just doesn't convey any real sentiment, does it? What reason would it give me, as a pig farmer, to spare Wilbur? Might as well write 'I Give Up' and be done with it."
Louis pecked the ground once or twice thoughtfully, then scratched at the loose dirt of the barnyard with his scaly feet. No one needed a pedicure more than he. "Listen," Louis continued, "if you really want to save Wilbur, maybe you should think about being a little more aggressive. Send a shiver up their spines, so to speak. I'm thinking of a good, old-fashioned 'Watch Your Back' in the web, or maybe just 'Die' if that's too much for you to manage. Though Mr. Zuckerman might take that the wrong way, think you're encouraging killing the pig. Or—hey!—what about just a picture of the farmer with his head cut off? That would be sure to keep everyone away from the pigpen."
"I'm not much of an artist," said Charlotte.
The turkey coughed a little. "Yes, well. You're not much of a writer, either, but that hasn't stopped you yet, has it?" The other animals stared at Louis with wide, disbelieving eyes, but Charlotte only sighed.
"This has to be done by morning," she reminded him.
"Yes, I know. Precious little time, you're only one small spider." He rolled his eyes. "I'm so helpless!" he mocked while flailing his wings. "With that attitude, you'll never get anything done. Look, I already have a better idea. Why not take some of these dead bugs you're done with and dangle them from nooses made of your web? That's threatening."
"My web is rather sheer. I don't think the nooses would show."
Louis took a step back and eyed the web as if studying a painting. "Hm. In that case, why not throw the bugs at the humans as they pass by? Or some of this manure." He started kicking at whatever piles of manure he could find. The other animals dodged the feces and ran.
"And how will that save Wilbur?" a fleeing lamb asked.
Louis said, "Huh?"
"Thank you for your help, Louis. I'll take it from here," Charlotte said, and began her work, just as the sun started to set. The next morning, all the animals gathered around Charlotte's glorious web, which was sparkling with dew. The words "Eat Turkey" glistened in the morning light.
"What's that say?" Louis asked.
"'Some Pig,'" said Charlotte.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
A Lost Scene Involving Louis, a Turkey Character Cut During the Final Edit of Charlotte's Web By Ann Asher
My Signing Statements By Christopher Monks
The 4-Year-Old Is Busted for DWI By Ross Murray
Let's Just Get Mel Out of Our System and Then Move On
Nike Infant and Toddler Scouting Report By Ken Budd
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