IF THE HEAD COUNSELOR
AT MY OLD SUMMER CAMP
WROTE A HOUSEHOLD
Q&A COLUMN.
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Q: The other day I left an open bowl of barbecue sauce in the fridge and it made all my fruits and dairy products taste like garlic. What can I do to protect delicate foods from a penetrating odor when I'm out of plastic cling wrap?
A: Go out and buy some. What's the big deal?
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Q: Hi! Can you tell me the easiest way to get baked-on food residues off a roasting pan? Is steel wool best?
A: You think life is supposed to be "easy"? The way to get residues off a pan is to get your butt off the Barcalounger and scrub that thing until I can see my reflection in it! Show some elbow grease! And you can use a mascara brush for all I care.
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Q: How can I get a soy-sauce stain off a white leather couch?
A: OHFERCRIPESSAKE!! You spilled SOY SAUCE on the COUCH?! What were you doing, binging on takeout in front of the boob tube instead of eating a home-cooked meal at the table with your family? Jeez Louise, I'm not even going to answer this one. You can just get a summer job like I did and earn the money to buy a new couch. Howdaya like them apples, Slobby Slobberson?
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Q: After a trip to the barbershop, I always have lots of little hairs stuck to the inside of my collar and T-shirt, and the itching and chafing drive me nuts. Is there any way to remedy this besides just taking a shower and changing clothes?
A: No. Whassamatter, can't take a little itching once in a while? Learn to live with it, bub. And, by the way, you should get your hair cut more often.
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Q: I broke my grandmother's best china serving platter, which I had borrowed for a dinner party. It's a straight, clean break and I'm hoping I can glue it back together so she won't notice. What kind of glue is best for porcelain?
A: Whoa, Whoa, WHOA!!! You think I'm going to help you LIE to your grandmother? I'm ashamed of you! You march RIGHT over there RIGHT now and tell her what you did and offer to replace that platter out of your own savings. Then drop and give me 50.
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Q: I love to eat ice cream in the summer, but I suffer from lactose intolerance, and dairy products make me, well, to put it bluntly, flatulent to a degree that positively beggars belief. Is there anything I can eat or drink with the ice cream that might help counter this problem?
A: Wait—something I don't get here: why is this a problem?
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Q: Dandelions seem to be taking over my entire lawn. What's the best way to kill them and keep them from growing back?
A: HEY!! Ever hear of a little thing called "work"? I want to see you front and center in that yard at 0600 hours, yanking those dandelions out by the roots. Then seal them in a trash bag and bury it 5 feet deep at least 400 yards from your lawn. Repeat this every three days and you won't have any damn weeds. Pardon my French.
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Q: I accidentally cut my thumb pretty badly while carving a chicken with a steak knife. Would it be safer to use one of those big electric knives even for smaller fowl like chicken?
A: OK, OK—don't tell me! Let me guess: you were goofing off with the knife, horsing around to impress your buddies, right? Well, now you see what happens when you don't treat tools with respect. You're lucky you didn't slice that thumb right-clean-zango OFF! As for an electric knife, you can't have one until you've proven to me that you can be trusted to use it safely.
OK, everybody, listen up! Announcement time!
The annual Bleach vs. Ammonia Users volleyball tourney will be on Saturday at 3 o'clock. And there will be no throwing cleaning products on the other team like last year. I hope I've made that clear.
Another thing: We've been getting a lot of letters asking how to improve home security without investing in an expensive alarm system. So we're going to have a little contest: I want everybody to work out a way to protect their home against intruders and terrorists using nothing but a sharp stick, an empty coffee can, two C batteries, a corncob, and 5 yards of gimp. Submit your projects by Thursday and we'll choose the best ones. And we've got some pretty nice prizes, too. First prize: a watermelon! Second prize: a home-security alarm system. Sound good? It sure is, but you're not going to win anything just sitting there! Get the lead out! C'mon, let's move it, move it, MOVE IT!!! OK, see you next week. Dis-MISSED!
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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If the Head Counselor at My Old Summer Camp Wrote a Household Q&A Column By David Jaggard
A Lost Scene Involving Louis, a Turkey Character Cut During the Final Edit of Charlotte's Web By Ann Asher
My Signing Statements By Christopher Monks
The 4-Year-Old Is Busted for DWI By Ross Murray
Let's Just Get Mel Out of Our System and Then Move On
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