AN EXTREMELY
PATIENT PRODUCER
WORKS WITH AN
ASPIRING PORNOGRAPHY
SCRIPTWRITER.
BY RYAN DILBERT
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Chuck,
Thank you for your submission to Bowchinkabowbow Productions. I'm going to have to pass on the current version. Feel free to send in a rewrite. Also, you have to type the script. I couldn't read many of the words. Lastly, illustrations of penises are not necessary.
Eddie Stantz
Executive Producer
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Chuck,
I see some promise here. At the moment, the story is a little sparse, though. You have to expand on the sex acts. Add some dialogue as well; that should help set up the scene. Also, a bedroom is a little boring. Perhaps choose a more exotic location.
Please check your spelling. On the top of Page 8, you wrote, "The dude puts his big cake in her mouth." If you actually meant that he has a big piece of cake and he feeds it to her, then please ignore this note.
Eddie Stantz
Executive Producer
- - - -
Chuck,
I do see some improvements, but I must stress a few things. The scenes should all be longer. The sex in porno is a given. There should be a tantalizing story to lead up to and contextualize the sex. You can't just have a guy and a girl in a locale have "wild, crazy" sex. Of course they do, but what specifically is wild and crazy about it? Who's doing what to whom, where, and with what? These are all vital questions to ask yourself.
On Page 4, the girl should say something other than "Let's do it, then!" This seems too obvious and blunt.
Also, remember that you can have a bigger variety of who is in the scene. Try a girl-on-girl, three guys and a girl, a guy and the Ukrainian rhythmic-gymnastics squad.
The factory is an interesting location choice. Perhaps go into greater detail about what it looks like.
Finally, "muscely" is not a word.
Eddie Stantz
Executive Producer
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Chuck,
Overall, this is a lot better. The "I am your father" twist was good, but it has already been done.
The part involving the monkey seems odd and misplaced. I'm not sure we can use it. That is for more of a specialized-audience type of film.
Having the man use his pipe wrench on the woman's nipples was great. That really ties in the location and is unusual. Ruthie, the female character who goes on the long tirade about how pornography is immoral, should be cut. She ruins the viewer's mood when she explains how exploitative and demeaning the porn industry is. This is, after all, a porn film and shouldn't be so self-critical.
Lastly, "Eye of the Tiger" should not be the background song for every scene.
Eddie Stantz
Executive Producer
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