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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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I FOUGHT PIRANHAS.BY A.J. PACKMAN- - - - Honey? I'm home. Yeah, it is rather a lot of blood, but don't worry about it. I fought piranhas. Oh, yeah, I did have a meeting. I took the new client, Mr. Muldoon, to the zoo. It seems he really enjoys taunting the elephants. Says it reminds him of his childhood, when he used to mock the big-nosed, big-eared poor people his father kept in cages, which makes sense, I guess. The elephants didn't look like they had very much money. After watching the elephants for a good three hours, Mr. Muldoon and I took a walk through the aquarium. He seemed a bit bored for a while, but when we got to the piranhas he started to smile, and said, "Man oh man! I used to know a poor guy who looked just like one of these fishy doodads! My friends and I used to beat the fuck out of him!" At that moment, it struck me that ... that ... well, that I'd never fought a fish. It may not be such a big deal for you, but having fought a fish is very important for men. No one can really even call himself a man unless he's eaten two steaks in one meal, made love to a woman after having eaten a steak, and fought a goddamned fish. No, I didn't end up doing too well. It turns out that piranhas are very difficult to fight. You go left, they start chewing on your leg. You go right, they continue chewing on your leg. I did punch one of them in the face, but it just started chewing on my hand, and then went back to chewing on my leg. It was pretty painful, but, as a dozen of the buggers swam up my pant leg, I realized I didn't have to fight these fish. There I was, up to my eyes in water, getting bits I didn't even know I had torn off me, splashing my own blood over tourists and nontourists alike, and it occurred to me that I shouldn't live my life based on silly things like how many fish I've injured or how many steaks I've eaten before or after sex. It was odd: even though I was pretty much being eaten alive, I didn't really mind. I suppose it's the same sort of feeling Jesus had while on the cross, or how Buddha felt when Mechabuddha beat him up in downtown Tokyo. Anyway, I've decided to make some serious changes in my life. I quit my job, and the zoo hired me to fight the piranhas five times a day. Is it legal? That's for the lawyers to decide. All I know is that I've got an exciting new career, and a week off to get some prosthetic ears. Oh, that reminds me. The piranhas ate my ears. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - I Fought Piranhas By A.J. PackmanPerhaps I Should Stop Naming the Protagonists in My Semi-Autobiographical Fiction After Myself By Teddy Wayne An Extremely Patient Producer Works With an Aspiring Pornography Scriptwriter By Ryan Dilbert American Girl Dolls Write to President Bush By Kate Hahn Refreshingly Honest Crate and Barrel Catalog Descriptions By Kyle Killen |
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