EXPANDING
EARNINGS POTENTIAL
ON VOICEMAIL SERVICE.
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All:
First, I want you to know that I am extremely proud of our efforts in recent years to expand our earnings by keeping customers on the line for a few extra seconds during each call. As we've seen on our earnings charts, a few extra seconds on every call (average of 18 calls per day per customer) multiplied by 30 million customers equals millions of dollars in pure profit every quarter. In particular, I have often received praise about our Voicemail Call-Extension System (VCES).
But this business moves quickly, and it's time to update VCES. If our customers are willing to take basic directions on how to use voicemail—"Record your message after the tone," for instance—before every single voicemail they leave, are they not also willing to stay on the line for more "guidance"? Forcing them to stretch further over their monthly minutes, thereby paying us more free money? As our esteemed company founder once said, "If the money isn't free, we're working too hard."
In that spirit, I have taken a hard look at our current voicemail-message transcript. I offer profitable additions below.
TYPICAL CELL-PHONE-USER MESSAGE: "Hi, this is ____. Please leave me a message at the tone, thanks."
PART 1 OF CURRENT COMPANY VOICEMAIL MESSAGE THAT FOLLOWS USER MESSAGE: "Record your message after the tone."
Let's remember: This portion of the message was invented by former manager Bill "Operation Steal Customer Phones to Increase Cell-Phone Sales" Jacobs, before he left us for Big Oil. In its time, this line was groundbreaking: By repeating basic information that has already been offered by a customer, we squeezed an extra 2.5 seconds out of the caller.
Now, we can do better than that. For instance, what is a "message," exactly? And what is "the tone"? And, nitpicking here: Whatever happened to "please," which takes a precious second to utter?
Here's a suggested version of our message, with new content in italics: "Record your message after the tone, please. A message is something you speak into the receiver to let the person you're calling know at least five things: (1) Your full name. (2) Standard information like time and date that you called, and your cell-phone number, in case they can't access this information on their cell phone. (3) The reason you are calling. (4) That you are likable and have a sense of humor, which will be communicated when you say something that makes them smile or chuckle (for suggestions on funny comments, call 1-800-[need number here; separate memo coming on this]). (5) That you are finished leaving the message; this is often done by saying "goodbye." And we said you are to do this "after the tone." The tone sounds like this: (insert tone sound). Wait! Don't start recording your message now! That wasn't THE tone, just the sample tone. It will sound exactly like that tone you just heard, but that was not it. We will let you know when the real tone is coming. We promise. First, we have a few other things we'd like to tell you."
Go ahead and read this new message aloud. Several test runs have indicated we're clocking 58 seconds of extra time. And this is just Part 1 of our proposed new message.
PART 2 OF MESSAGE: "To send a numeric page, press 1."
I'm happy that we're still able to waste caller seconds by offering technology that went out with beepers. It's further proof that no one's willing to fight our efforts to garner more free money. Alter this portion of the message to the following: "To send a numeric page, press 1. To send a text message, hang up and call 1-800-(need number) to hear our text-message operating instructions. And to send a message by Morse code, press # for more options."
Assuming, of course, that no one will press #.
PART 3 OF MESSAGE: "When you are finished recording your message, hang up. For delivery options, press 9."
We've all shared a laugh at this line in our weekly meetings. (I will never admit that we all pretended to be "mentally challenged" customers who don't know when or how to hang up a phone!) But why are we telling them to hang up? Look at the next sentence in our message; we're doing the right thing: inviting them to stay on the line for "delivery options"—which, when accessed, introduce the customer to Operation Terminal Hold.
Capitalize on this with the following: "When you are finished recording your message, you will lose your connection if you hang up. If you lose your connection, you will not have the opportunity to hear about our delivery options. And what delivery options they are! We can deliver a message today, or, if you decide to ignore our delivery options, your message will automatically be delivered next Tuesday. Other automatic options: fun barnyard animal sounds, quotes from Eddie Murphy's R-rated films, and American Idol love messages ... OK, get ready, because here comes the tone. While you are waiting for the tone, we'd like to offer a game of cell-phone Sudoku. Good luck! By the way, the tone will sound like this: (tone sound). Wait! That's not it! Hold, please."
Let's implement these changes immediately. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say this has the potential to be bigger than "Operation Directory Assistance: Give Customers Wrong Number, Forcing Them to Call Back."
Thanks,
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