A NOTE TO THE GROOM.
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Hey, WB—
As I mentioned at lunch last week, I'm honored that you'd ask me to speak at the wedding, and have given some thought to the themes we spoke about and the input Eve had with regard to keeping it to around three minutes. I know you suggested telling a funny story or two from our fishing trips over the years, and I may end up touching on those a bit, but kind of don't want to turn it into fish stories that would bore everybody.
I will also give some thought to Eve's suggestion that I speak a little bit about how funny it was that neither of us could figure out how to get the damn coffee table put back together when you two moved into the new place. Over the last week or so, I've been spending evenings going through notes and ideas about what I'm going to be saying on the big day, but have a few questions about venue. (See below.) More importantly, do you know where I can procure the following?
- Mannequin head (bald, male or female)
- Full-length mirror (Will smash onstage, so whoever is lending it should know that.)
- Pennywhistle
- Electric razor, but the old barbershop kind with the long cord so it doesn't need extension cord
- Hospital gown
- First Steppenwolf album on vinyl (the one with "The Ostrich"; I'm pretty sure that's the first one) and old record player that can be played through DJ's speakers. It's important that the turntable is next to me and I can control it.
- Several copies of the Old Testament (I don't want to give away the surprise, but should be like the kind they had in that Days Inn we were stuck in from airport delays on last year's fishing trip out West—important to theme of my piece.)
- Twenty or 30 sets of dentures, like, a supply place maybe? Can't spend a ton, so maybe they're factory defects or something. Doesn't matter if uppers or lowers, don't need to be "sets" as such. Could even be discarded impressions of patients' teeth from a dentist's office, etc. Let's discuss.
Things I need to know about guests or venue:
- Food allergies? (In particular, topical reactions to hominy or creamed corn.)
- Are there any uptight family members who can't understand simple concept of using pornography as statement about the socioeconomic realities of living in America in the 21st century?
- Speaking of which, give me an idea as to what would bum these people out, in terms of having Maria out front leaving something on their cars while I'm performing. (Items would fit theme of my piece and be reminder of message.)
- Are your parents religious in the proper/uptight sense at this age? The thing I do with the Bibles is really cool, I guarantee you, but don't want to have to listen to them yammer on about what's appropriate and inappropriate all night after I come offstage and just want to cool down and be alone.
- Also, "legally," I'm supposed to find out if venue has a "pyrotechnics Class A AND CLASS B" license, but don't want to put a damper on things with this kind of bullshit if they say no, so asking if you happened to notice on your walk through. It would've been posted by main entrance (by state law).
BTW, where is main entrance in relation to where I'll deliver my piece?
Very excited—
DK
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Dan Kennedy's
Other Features.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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A Note to the Groom By Dan Kennedy
Web Spite By Jim Stallard
The Recording Industry Will Destroy You By Brendon Lloyd
I Fought Piranhas By A.J. Packman
Perhaps I Should Stop Naming the Protagonists in My Semi-Autobiographical Fiction After Myself By Teddy Wayne
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