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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.

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HUGO CHÁVEZ MAY HAVE ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES. BY ERIC FEEZELL - - - - Hugo Chávez Gets Mad at His PlayStation 2 Console Tony Hawk! Chico! Listen to me! You are coward, Mr. Tony Hawk! You are an Ignorant, a Skateboarder Immoral, a Half-Pipe Assassin! You hoard your power, birdie, while other, far superior characters such as Rune Glifberg and Rodney Mullen suffer your tyranny! You are disgustingly incapable of performing freestyle tricks, and are only mediocre at switch stance, Mr. Tony Hawk! Your Double Kick Flip Indy is not so impressive, either, Hawk Man! Your own colleagues mock you, Burro Man! Personally, you have angered me, birdie! You start yourself with 8 out of 10 spin points? You are a liar! A liar, Mr. Hawk! You cannot spin so good! You grossly understate Kareem Campbell's hang-time abilities, Hawk Man Ignoramus Clown! Why is he the only black skater on your little game, Racist Donkey? And why are you always the strongest character on your own video games, Mr. Tony Hawk? I will tell you why! Because you are coward, Mr. Tony Hawk! A wolf in sheep's cloth! Mr. Tony Chicken Hawk! Mr. Tony Donkey Hawk! Hugo Chávez Interrupts an Alcoholics-Anonymous Meeting You persons! Alcoholics! Why you have come here tonight?, I ask. You, Mr. Wild Turkey Man! You, Ms. Ernest and Julio Gallo crying hysterically in the corner! Do you wish to know why? I will tell you. You came here tonight to mock the world, to impose your villainy and very dumb sob stories on those who do not wish to hear them! Pathetic, imposing murderers! You are the worst on this planet! You are the weak, the cowards, the assassins of sobriety! Child killers! Family tearer-aparters! Personally, you are the worst of all the psychologically ill persons! Drunks! Immoral drunk donkeys! Hugo Chávez Flips Out at Burger King Hey, hombre! You! Immoral, ignorant dog back there at the fry station! Where is your shift manager? To where did the Coward Man run? If he is such a powerful man, why does he run, Mr. Psycho Fry Cooker? Where is Mr. Burger Tyrant? The rest of the world has grown weary of your abuses of power, Burger Tyrant! You call yourself "King," Mr. Tyrant? You are not my king, Burger Despot! You say, "Have it your way," yet do not heed the wills of your people! Donkey Burger Tyrant! I ordered no pickles for my Whopper, you! Do you see what this is right here? This is pickles, Mr. Burger Devil Man! The drunk pickles of Satan! He was here, just five minutes ago, putting his pickles on my Whopper! You can smell the vinegar still, Fry Donkey! Yes, yes, it is easy to ignore the world's hatred for you, hiding safe behind your deep-fry machine! But I ask you, Drunk Burger Assassin: Do you smell the fresh vinegar, Little Fry Man? Do you smell the lingering scent of Satan's pickles?! - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Hugo Chávez May Have Anger Management Issues By Eric Feezell A Note to the Groom By Dan Kennedy Web Spite By Jim Stallard The Recording Industry Will Destroy You By Brendon Lloyd I Fought Piranhas By A.J. Packman

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE WINGS AT THE BALLET YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT THANKS AND HAVE FUN RUNNING THE COUNTRY LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL