HUGO CHÁVEZ
MAY HAVE ANGER
MANAGEMENT ISSUES.
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Hugo Chávez Gets Mad
at His PlayStation 2 Console
Tony Hawk! Chico! Listen to me! You are coward, Mr. Tony Hawk! You are an Ignorant, a Skateboarder Immoral, a Half-Pipe Assassin! You hoard your power, birdie, while other, far superior characters such as Rune Glifberg and Rodney Mullen suffer your tyranny! You are disgustingly incapable of performing freestyle tricks, and are only mediocre at switch stance, Mr. Tony Hawk! Your Double Kick Flip Indy is not so impressive, either, Hawk Man! Your own colleagues mock you, Burro Man!
Personally, you have angered me, birdie! You start yourself with 8 out of 10 spin points? You are a liar! A liar, Mr. Hawk! You cannot spin so good! You grossly understate Kareem Campbell's hang-time abilities, Hawk Man Ignoramus Clown! Why is he the only black skater on your little game, Racist Donkey?
And why are you always the strongest character on your own video games, Mr. Tony Hawk? I will tell you why! Because you are coward, Mr. Tony Hawk! A wolf in sheep's cloth! Mr. Tony Chicken Hawk! Mr. Tony Donkey Hawk!
Hugo Chávez Interrupts
an Alcoholics-Anonymous Meeting
You persons! Alcoholics! Why you have come here tonight?, I ask. You, Mr. Wild Turkey Man! You, Ms. Ernest and Julio Gallo crying hysterically in the corner! Do you wish to know why? I will tell you. You came here tonight to mock the world, to impose your villainy and very dumb sob stories on those who do not wish to hear them! Pathetic, imposing murderers!
You are the worst on this planet! You are the weak, the cowards, the assassins of sobriety! Child killers! Family tearer-aparters! Personally, you are the worst of all the psychologically ill persons!
Drunks! Immoral drunk donkeys!
Hugo Chávez Flips Out at Burger King
Hey, hombre! You! Immoral, ignorant dog back there at the fry station! Where is your shift manager? To where did the Coward Man run? If he is such a powerful man, why does he run, Mr. Psycho Fry Cooker? Where is Mr. Burger Tyrant?
The rest of the world has grown weary of your abuses of power, Burger Tyrant! You call yourself "King," Mr. Tyrant? You are not my king, Burger Despot! You say, "Have it your way," yet do not heed the wills of your people! Donkey Burger Tyrant!
I ordered no pickles for my Whopper, you! Do you see what this is right here? This is pickles, Mr. Burger Devil Man! The drunk pickles of Satan! He was here, just five minutes ago, putting his pickles on my Whopper! You can smell the vinegar still, Fry Donkey! Yes, yes, it is easy to ignore the world's hatred for you, hiding safe behind your deep-fry machine! But I ask you, Drunk Burger Assassin: Do you smell the fresh vinegar, Little Fry Man? Do you smell the lingering scent of Satan's pickles?!
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Hugo Chávez May Have Anger Management Issues By Eric Feezell
A Note to the Groom By Dan Kennedy
Web Spite By Jim Stallard
The Recording Industry Will Destroy You By Brendon Lloyd
I Fought Piranhas By A.J. Packman
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