HOMESCHOOL
PROGRESS REPORT.
BY G. XAVIER ROBILLARD
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Math
The student constantly excuses herself from math, claiming a religious exemption. This excuse is unfounded, since there is nothing inherently blasphemous in math, with the possible exception of algebra, since it was invented by Arabs. Calculus, however, is as Christian as a bean supper.
Religious Studies
The student's midterm paper entitled "A Brief Refutation of God" was unacceptable. Aside from the absurdity of the thesis, student appears to have lifted the entire piece off the Internet. With this type of scholarship, it is very unlikely the student will be accepted to a decent four-year homeschool university. While our school would like to foster an open mind, it need only be open enough to believe whatever we happen to be teaching at the moment.
Social Studies
Even though one of the other teachers within this home insists on taking the student to the mall during class, shopping can in no way be construed as "social studies." Student is in severe need of remediation, and unless she completes her survey of local auto-supply stores, there is a high likelihood that the course will have to be repeated this summer. Her ethnographic study titled "What Exactly Are the Noises Coming From the Basement Next Door" showed some real promise.
Science
Despite repeated warnings from the Department of Homeland Security, this student's interest in making chemicals has inspired us all. The field trip to the neighborhood meth lab was unsanctioned, but provided valuable insight into organic synthesis. Although we appreciate the student's clever suggestion that her messy room is an example of entropy, we feel that her continued work repairing the internal-combustion engine inside the family car would better prove her mastery of thermodynamics. The school has recently obtained schematics for a small uranium-enrichment centrifuge from a certain A.Q. Khan, which guarantees an enjoyable semester of practical physics.
Home Economics
The lovely widow Collins reports that the student hasn't been attending her home-ec class, and that the student claimed Ms. Collins doesn't know anything about home economics because she's a home wrecker. The weekend we spent together on the coast was simply a parent-teacher conference; had the student been a better pupil, these meetings would not have to be scheduled so frequently. The student would do well to remember that winter's coming and we all need new quilts.
Extracurricular Activities
The student has been selected as this year's yearbook coordinator, and this year's edition will be much more than a glorified family photo album. The student's reorganization of my slides from Africa will provide helpful instruction in design, organization, and layout.
English
Even though our school has a limited selection of novels and poetry, there is a local library, where the student might find better materials from which to diagram sentences than the TV Guide.
The student's English composition has technically improved, but her short fiction featuring the girl trapped at home with an adulterous father and closeted gay mother was rather far-fetched.
Regardless of last year's English teacher's opinion, Radiohead lyrics are not considered poetry.
Foreign Language
This student's dinner-table conversation is so laden with slang that it might as well be a foreign language. Since foreign language is mandated by the state, the school will grant a daytime-television exception to watch baseball on the Spanish-language channel.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Homeschool Progress Report By G. Xavier Robillard
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A Note to the Groom By Dan Kennedy
Web Spite By Jim Stallard
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