IF PROFESSIONAL
WRESTLING REWROTE
AMERICAN HISTORY.
BY EUGENE TUCKER
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Benedict Arnold
Despite having dispatched each of their opponents, the tag team of George Washington and Benedict Arnold is not a harmonious entity. Arnold feels that Washington is gaining too much individual credit for the tag team's success. Before that night's match, hidden cameras catch Arnold shaking hands with their opponent, King George. When Washington gets in trouble during the match, he goes to tag in Arnold, but instead Arnold slaps him in the face. The match degenerates into a three-on-one until Ethan Allen and his Green Mountain Boys race to the ring to save Washington.
Mexican-American War
A supremely popular and confident James K. Polk comes to the ring and says he has achieved everything he wanted except winning a title belt from the utterly deplorable Santa Anna. At this incitement, Santa Anna walks out showered by boos. Santa Anna says that Polk can't have the belt, that it belongs to him and he refuses to relinquish it. Polk asks Santa Anna, "Whatcha gonna do when the United States of America runs wild over you!" At that point, Polk's cronies, Zachary Taylor and Winfield Scott, ambush Santa Anna. With Santa Anna sufficiently debilitated, Polk delivers the final blow and takes what he believes rightfully belongs to him.
World War II
FDR. Churchill. Stalin. Hitler. Mussolini. Tojo. Steel Cage. Available on pay-per-view for $39.95.
Watergate
A feud begins between Richard Nixon and two nonconformists, Woodward and Bernstein, when "the Journalists" embarrass Nixon in front of fans in Tacoma, Washington. Nixon seeks revenge against the two and forces them to fight enforcers G. Gordon Liddy and Bob Haldeman. In the middle of the match, though, Haldeman quits, and Woodward and Bernstein are victorious. An infuriated Nixon challenges the two himself with one stipulation—the loser must leave the business! Nixon pulls out all the tricks, going as far as to use a plunger as a weapon. "The Journalists" gain an advantage eventually when a masked man, known only as Deep Throat, enters the ring, and are ultimately victorious. After the match, Nixon dejectedly walks away, pausing for a minute to say goodbye to his friends.
2000 Election
George Bush and Al Gore meet in the squared circle for the championship title. It's a back-and-forth match. Gore gains the upper hand and hits his finishing move, the Global Warmer. But, as Gore goes for the cover, William "the Chief" Rehnquist rushes to the ring carrying a steel chair. With the referee distracted by Laura Bush, Rehnquist
knocks Gore over the head with the chair. Bush goes for the cover and wins the belt. The show ends with an incredulous announcer screaming, "George W. Bush is champion, but I don't know if he deserves it!"
2008 Election
The fans have been told to expect a monumental announcement from world champion George Bush and anxiously wait. When Bush finally emerges from backstage, the crowd begins to loudly boo and deride him with jeers. Ignoring the commotion, Bush begins to reminisce about the significance of his title reign and how he brought glory and honor to the profession. He then announces to the stunned crowd that he will be handing his title over to his sidekick, "the Doc" Bill Frist. Frist, Bush explains, will continue to seek out those whose only wish is to destroy the sport of wrestling. It is at that moment that two wrestlers appear, united, in the ring. John Edwards, supported by Hillary Clinton, voices his opposition to Bush's plan. Bush laughs at the duo and mockingly inquires, "What are you going to do about it?" Such a question catches the group off guard, and, while they are discussing a potential plan, Frist superkicks Edwards. The ring clears as Edwards struggles to his feet and attempts to get to the middle of the ring. As he squares off against Frist, the crowd begins to boo again, this time louder, once it becomes apparent that neither wrestler possesses the talent to be an effective champion.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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If Professional Wrestling Rewrote American History By Eugene Tucker
Why I Won't Sell Your Memoir to Hollywood for Millions, Grandma By Amelia Morris
Homeschool Progress Report By G. Xavier Robillard
From Dickens to Nikki Sixx
Hugo Chávez May Have Anger Management Issues By Eric Feezell
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