CHARLIE BROWN
HAS NEVER KNOWINGLY
TAKEN STEROIDS.
BY ANDREW AND EDWARD KIRKPATRICK
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(Court reporter's transcript.)
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DISTRICT ATTORNEY OTHMAR: Wah wah-wah wah, wah, wah wah-wah-wah wah?
CHARLIE BROWN: I'm sorry, sir, but I didn't knowingly lie to the grand jury.
D.A.: Wah-wah-wah-wah?
BROWN: I did not knowingly take steroids, sir. Period. Snoopy gave me something to make me throw harder, but he said it was flaxseed oil and vitamin drops. I was tired of
having the ball hit back up the middle and all my clothes torn off.
D.A.: Wah wah wah-wah?
BROWN: He's my dog, sir. He said he got the stuff from Woodstock.
D.A.: Wah wah wah-wah?
BROWN: A little yellow bird, sir.
D.A.: Wah wah-wah wah wah wah-wah wah wah wah wah-wah-wah wah-wha-wah wah wah wah wah?
BROWN: Yes, sir.
D.A.: Wah wah wah wah-wah-wah wah-wah?
BROWN: We were boyhood friends, sir.
D.A.: Wah wah-wah wah wah wah wah wah?
BROWN: My head's always been this big. Ask Sally. And I'm not going bald; I've never had more than three hairs, sir.
D.A.: Wah-wah wah.
BROWN: What's backne?
D.A.: Wah-wah wah-wah wah.
BROWN: Gross.
D.A.: Wah wah-wah wah wah.
BROWN: Greenies? Sure, there were amphetamines, but we didn't know they were illegal. Linus said they'd help us play with more pep. We only took them once, and then after the game we went back to my house and everybody started dancing crazy while our catcher played the piano.
D.A.: Wah-wah-wah wah wah-wah wah-wah wah.
BROWN: I play for the love of the game, sir.
D.A.: Wah wah-wah wah?
BROWN: Yeah, we've lost a lot of games over the years.
D.A.: Wah-wah wah. Wah-wah wah-wah wah wah wah.
BROWN: Who told you that, sir?
D.A.: Wah wah-wah wah.
BROWN: Hey, no way. You can't believe anything Franklin put in that book. You all are ... you're stupid blockheads!
(The courtroom erupts in a babble of wah-wahs.)
D.A.: Wah-wah-wah wah wah-wah wah. Wah.
(The witness begins to cry.)
BROWN: Have you ever seen our team, sir? We're hopeless. Just hopeless. The right fielder spends half the time in the infield trying to talk the catcher into going out with her. Our first baseman carries a blanket onto the field. My dog is the shortstop! He's the definition of "all field, no hit," and you don't even want to touch the ball after he catches it with his mouth. Have you ever lost a game 60-0? We needed a competitive advantage. I was sick of all the attention going to Peppermint Patty. Peppermint Patty's so
great. She's so wonderful. She's been on the juice for years! Why do you think Marcie always calls her "sir"? Her testosterone levels are through the roof. But no one says anything because she's a girl. Franklin, Marcie, Pig-Pen ... they're all on the stuff.
D.A.: Wah wah-wah wah.
BROWN: I don't think so, sir. This is a witch hunt out to get Charlie Brown, because Charlie Brown is a boy.
D.A.: Wah-wah wah wah wah wah wah-wah wah-wah-wah.
(The witness holds his head in his hands.)
BROWN: Does this mean our one win has to be forfeited?
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Charlie Brown Has Never Knowingly Taken Steroids By Andrew and Edward Kirkpatrick
Expanding Earnings Potential on Voicemail Service By Jamie Allen
A Letter to Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band From Sgt. Pepper By John Moe
Sean Hannity Takes Care of Business: Another Letter From an Earth Ball By Ben Greenman
Social Security Denies Gregor Samsa's Disability Claim By Alex St.-Andrews
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