You feel poor. We feel poor. Let's feel poor together. This week only, almost everything is half-price in our online store. Escape the holiday rush and cross every name off your list in one cheap swoop. - - - -

WHEN TV RESEMBLES REALITY. BY DAVID HART - - - - Lost The water supply is tainted with bacteria and the castaways get diarrhea. Without basic antibiotics, the diarrhea kills everyone within days—everyone, that is, but Charlie, who finds a stash of heroin and overdoses. Grey's Anatomy Things heat up at Seattle Grace. George works a double and Izzie has to moonlight as a waitress. Meredith and McDreamy plan for a romantic encounter, but Meredith spends 15 hours tending to patients, and McDreamy spends the afternoon completing paperwork. They get Chinese takeout around midnight and fall asleep on the couch while eating it. Meredith wakes up with chow mein caked to her forehead. 24 After thwarting the terrorists using an ingenuous combination of karate chops mixed with ramming people with his shiny, powerful, and affordable product-placement Ford truck, Jack Bauer is fired for use of excessive force and convicted of 42 counts of second-degree manslaughter. The Office Jim spends the day making cold calls while carefully adjusting his fantasy football team online, and Pam gets a new high score on Minesweeper. Dwight completes a required spreadsheet and his monthly expense report, while Michael is put on probation for sexual harassment. In the loading dock, packages are received and processed. Project Runway A contestant leaves when her trust fund runs out, another when his cocaine connection (and, consequently, his love of the asinine world of fashion) runs dry. Heidi Klum's milk-engorged breasts come dangerously close to spilling forth from her dress, exciting no one in the room, especially not Michael Kors. Also, ugly dresses are made. Flava of Love A painful bout of gonorrhea breaks out, coupled with crabs. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - When TV Resembles Reality By David Hart On Third and Long, Philadelphia Eagles Defensive Coordinator Jim Johnson Dials Up "Exotic" Blitz Packages By Chris White Regarding Those Internet Searches You Found and Then Confronted Me About in a Hostile Way? We'll Be Laughing About the Huge Misunderstanding in This Week's Counseling Session By Frank Ferri The iPhone: A User's Guide By Darren Cahr John Updike, Television Writer By Jared Young

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