BLACK SHOE DIARY:
THE DAILY MUSINGS
OF SHURUKU UMEZAWA:
JUNIOR SALESMAN,
NINJA—
INSTALLMENT TWO.
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Read
Installment One.
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Monday, November 6
Adjusting quite nicely to new position, despite frequent urgings to engage in hand-to-hand combat with vice president of marketing. Had first formal review last week and received laudatory remarks in salesmanship category, although a disappointing and, in my opinion, somewhat unfair "needs improvement" in intra-company communication.
Are they trying to test me? My immediate supervisor, Glen, averred in last week's commodity meeting that "actions speak louder than words." I wonder: Would he like to communicate with my neko-te handclaws?
Tuesday, November 7
Sales work is often taxing. From what I have ascertained thus far, average day for salesperson consists of arriving to work 15 minutes late, talking to clients about "golf" (still have not learned what this is—sales tactic?—must research), strategically availing oneself of copious break time, and generally being a sycophant. I often become embarrassed when I realize that I am among masters. Especially Stan Friedman, who dodges responsibility as skillfully as I dodge detection when sneaking into an enemy fortress.
I sometimes miss the simple days of my past—assassination, espionage, and inflicting excruciating pain employing pressure-point technique. Alas.
Wednesday, November 8
Co-workers continue to play jokes on me.
Recently discovered and have been immensely enjoying Netflix. Expressed this to Receptionist Fran and Research Editor Benjamin, who both concurred that, yes, Netflix is very wonderful. Believing I had broken new ground in worker-to-worker communication arena, inquired of them which films I might place next in my queue. Research Editor Benjamin enthusiastically recommended the American Ninja series, which I then requested online that very day.
It turns out that Research Editor Benjamin is a bastard. I should have detected his ruse the moment he suggested American Ninja 2: The Confrontation was Oscar-worthy. This is absurd. Michael Dudikoff has been hailed as the "James Dean of ninja movies"? At best, he is the James Van Der Beek of ninja movies. Either way, the films were horribly inaccurate and disturbingly soporific.
Receptionist Fran's suggestion of Mean Girls, on the other hand, turned out to be quite fabulous.
Thursday, November 9
Much to my astonishment, fellow employees held birthday celebration for me in the office this afternoon. How they discovered my date of birth remains a mystery to me, and is quite disturbing, considering that even I do not know it.
My confusion is only outweighed by my anger at Bob Erickson, who, I am told, came up with the asinine and insulting idea not only to serve cake with wasabi icing but to force all employees to forgo proper utensils and instead struggle buffoonishly with chopsticks.
As if to add further insult, Bob then insisted on playing "Kung Fu Fighting" over the office intercom, dancing around like an idiot, and waving his arms around in a sparring stance while saying Woo-ahhhhh over and over.
"Kung Fu Fighting"? If you wish to mock me, please have the minimal courtesy to exploit the correct martial-arts discipline.
Bob "Stupid Asshole" Erickson.
Friday, November 10
Do I stray from the way of the ninja?
The ninja strives always to disassociate himself from fleeting material desires, and instead focuses solely and intently on his mission. It is an often toilsome—or, as Frank in H.R. says, "man-sized"—task, but the ninja overcomes all earthly connections to accomplish that with which he has been charged. Or, at least, that is what he is supposed to do.
Damn you, Cinnamon Altoids! I cannot finish this PowerPoint presentation by Monday morning without the guidance, courage, and clear-headedness you instill each day at my desk. Must remember to purchase home supply, though such capitulation will, if discovered, undoubtedly bring shame to the order of the ninja.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Black Shoe Diary: The Daily Musings of Shuruku Umezawa: Junior Salesman, Ninja—Installment Two By Eric Feezell
A Football Halftime Pep Talk Given by Someone Who Knows Nothing About Football—Namely, Me By Wendy Molyneux
This Is an Announcement From Your Fire Safety Administrator By Matthew Callan
Business Ideas I Have Rejected in My Capacity as Your Bank Manager By Rob Sears
I Probably Shouldn't Have Opted for the Cheapest HMO By Jim Stallard
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