NOTES
PASSED BETWEEN
NATIONS DURING THE
SECRETARY-GENERAL'S
ADDRESS TO THE U.N.
BY JOHNNY McNULTY
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SECRETARY-GENERAL BAN KI-MOON: Mr. President, Excellencies, I am honored to address the General Assembly following the authorization of a multinational peacekeeping force to be sent to Darfur. The nations taking part are sending a clear signal of commitment ...
Note From the Irish Mission to the U.N.
The Republic of Ireland would like to extend to the Republic of Senegal its warm wishes and cooperation in the upcoming mission to Darfur. Also, Ireland would like to share what it saw in the hallway before the assembly.
Note From the Senegalese Mission to the U.N.
The Republic of Senegal reciprocates the Republic of Ireland's greetings, as we always cherish the opportunity to better our ties with friendly nations, especially in this hour of crisis. What, Senegal wonders, did the Irish witness? Could it have to do with the rumors swirling about France and America?
Ireland
Although we don't want to be indiscreet about our longtime friends, Ireland must divulge to another sovereign nation what it has witnessed. We will not do so, however, without an explicit guarantee that this will remain a state secret.
Senegal
Sadly, the community of nations knows what a poor record of secrets-rights abuses our republic has exhibited in the past, so we are hesitant to make such a commitment. However, our mission stands by its long-held position that a nation cannot, without seriously upsetting diplomatic relations, begin to say something so juicy and not actually finish the story.
Ireland
Nevertheless, the Irish must have that commitment.
Senegal
Fine. State secret.
Ireland
Then let us not be caught up in the flourishes of diplomacy: Let us just say that the trans-Atlantic relationship has been ... patched up. With tongue.
Senegal
Although we are not sure of the exact translation into English, we believe the Wolof roughly corresponds to "Get out! God, this just figures."
SECRETARY-GENERAL BAN KI-MOON: Additional capable troops must be committed. Support systems must be put in place. Command structures must be established. National governments know from their own experience ...
Ireland
Perhaps we are reading too much into Senegal's latest dispatch, but we think we detect a note of jealousy.
Senegal
Well ... as you know, the Republic of Senegal has been separated from France for over 45 years now, but we still hate to see them doing so well. We don't know ... we guess ... It's like maybe they've changed, you know?
Ireland
The Republic of Ireland has always kept in mind that both it and Senegal share a colonial past. We understand, believe us, but you've got to realize, those powers never change. Look at England! Yes, we talk, and one could suppose we have as warm a relationship as possible for an ex-colony, but even after our per-capita GDP overtook theirs, they still don't give us the time of day. No, not like they do with Canada or Australia. Not to mention the Ulster thing. Ireland can't even imagine why Wales and Scotland still maintain the charade of union. Don't they want their own future? Whoa. Sorry. We're rambling on a little bit.
Senegal
While the Senegalese appreciate the sympathy of the Irish, we have to wonder why a rich, Christian EU nation would want to rub salt in the wound, so to speak, of our colonial pains.
Ireland
What? No! That's not what we meant at all! Oh, where is our fabled wit when we most need it?
Senegal
Look, if Ireland doesn't mind, Senegal would just as soon break off diplomatic relations for the afternoon.
Ireland
The Republic of Ireland has always found Senegal very attractive for a member of the African Union.
Senegal
Your Excellencies have got to be kidding Our Excellencies. First of all, yikes, that is just offensive. Second of all ... that's what this is all about?
Ireland
Well, our peacekeepers are going to be spending a lot of time together in the coming months, and we were thinking ...
Note From the French Mission to the U.N.
The glorious Fifth Republic of France extends its warmest greetings to our friends Senegal, and would also like to inquire as to what the Irish have been in such a fit about all morning.
Senegal
The Republic of Senegal would very much like to extend to the "glorious" Fifth Republic of France our offer of just shutting the hell up. We know about you and America.
France
C'est la vie, baby. France has got to do what France has got to do to keep up appearances. America means nothing to us. Listen, we were just coming by to see if you were interested in a little bit of trade discussion in the back room.
Ireland
Oh, come on already. Senegal's not interested, France! Don't you have a Security Council meeting somewhere?
Senegal
Nations! This is 2007. Senegal is not a prize to be fought over. France, we are not going to become entangled in any sort of "trade discussion" with you, like some sort of Third-World hussy. And Ireland ... you're nice and all, but come on. "Very attractive for a member of the African Union"? Forget it. We're going to see what China is up to.
SECRETARY-GENERAL BAN KI-MOON: I look forward to working closely with you, with the African Union, and with all governments concerned as we advance toward our shared goal. Thank you.
Ireland
Well, I think we learned a valuable lesson in international relations today.
France
Shut the fuck up, Ireland.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Notes Passed Between Nations During the Secretary-General's Address to the U.N. By Johnny McNulty
Off-Duty Situations in Which an Officer of the Law Might Use His Fancy Police-Report Jargon to Impress People By Jennifer Byrne
Baltimore Boy Makes Good
How I'd Communicate My Feelings About Starbucks' Wi-Fi Policy If I Were a Soap Opera Writer, a Hollywood Screenwriter, a Sci-Fi Writer, a Playwright, or an E-mail Writer By Jamie Allen
The Neurotic Pickup Artist By Frank Ferri
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