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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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ORC ALUMNI NOTES.BY NATHANIEL MISSILDINE- - - - Azog Ever since we all went our separate ways, I've bounced around to a bunch of different places. I worked as an office temp, a professional mover, and then for a while was a server at a Cheesecake Factory, until I got sick of the manager complaining about how my tusks were too sharp. Anyway, I haven't pulled anyone's arms off in public since. Now I'm working as a security guard, which is cool, and I'm loving Denver! I still think back to the days with the white wizard and the whole crew and all the crazy stunts and stuff. Death to the race of Men!! LOL. Seriously, if any of you are in the area, look me up. Muzgash the Disemboweler I am married and have two children, Lek (1999) and Gek (2002), who are chieftains of their Pee Wee football and soccer teams. We also have a dog named Snickers. I am employed at Intel Corp. in the flagship Santa Clara office as a senior sales assistant. Last year, I was granted an extra-performance bonus. This bonus was for conquests. Not many others got one. Only the really good workers. Thank you for reading. Gorgolla the Gnarled One I can't believe it's been 10 years already!! I wanted to write in just to update everyone. I heard from a lot of you in the past year after my appearance on ABC's Extreme Makeover. For those of you who never saw it, you can visit the website, which has the before-and-after shots that the censor board approved. So I'm still with my husband of three years, Chris, and just this past spring welcomed our first baby girl! Balancing responsibilities can get a little crazy, but nobody said the real world was supposed to be a steaming cesspool!! Othrod I roam the hills in and around Southeastern Pennsylvania. I subsist on a diet of salamanders, squirrels, and members of Swarthmore College's Outsiders Club. I also recently finished my first screenplay. Grindak It's been 11 years now since I realized the miracle that is dentistry. I received my two-year degree from Oregon School of Periodontics and now work as a hygienist in Eugene. I often recount stories to my co-workers of my fellow alums and the unheard-of level of neglect regarding dental care. (Who was it who used to gnaw on hot coals?) So how many of you have yet to schedule even a routine cleaning, much less pick up a toothbrush? The incisors are not meant to be black nor filed. (Gordol the Ghastly, I'm talking to you!) Lug the Mighty I went back to school to get my degree in process art. Soon after, I found myself working with genius Richard Serra, transporting and installing his gorgeously ominous hunks of sheet metal into previously wide-open spaces throughout the Northeast. He calls me indispensable, and I haven't been this satisfied since I helped build the Black Tower back in the day. If some of you aren't familiar with Mr. Serra, you really should check out his work. Though he denies it, he is almost certainly part Orc. Plus, his work actually kills people. Ugluk I'm committed to fitness. I work out 12 times a week. On top of lifting, I also run. This past year I successfully completed seven triathlons and almost every marathon held in the continental United States, all of which I did while wearing granite shoes and a spiked mace embedded into the flesh of my back. But it's not such a big deal—I was bred for power and speed in the daylight. I'm looking forward this fall to adding more rep sets to my lat pulls. Zoellick the Unslaked I am president of the World Bank, elected this summer after my stint with the Project for the New American Century. If you'd like to get in touch, please contact me at my personal Yahoo! mail, not my work address. Shagrat, Orc Chieftain I guess a lot has changed, but I still feel like the same maniacal supermutant. I'm getting by all right, with a wife and kids and a stable job as an elevator mechanic in Toledo, Ohio. Still, sometimes it all just feels a little strange. I mean, we all knew the days of terrorizing villagers and launching their body parts from catapults was not going to last, but why then did it all seem so fraught with deeper meaning? It was as though those moments revealed a truth about the world and ourselves that we then didn't realize would be so hard to ever find again. I've arrived, as they say, but why do I put all my energy into explaining to the wife why I loaded the dishwasher wrong or trying to get in the fastest lane of traffic or trying not to feast on the entrails of the person standing in front of me in the line at the post office. In the end, I suppose I just miss the old togetherness. The world can be a cruel and vicious place compared to the hell-pits of Mordor. I honestly don't get how the humans do it. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Orc Alumni Notes By Nathaniel MissildineA Subtextual Reading of Your High-School French Textbook By Sarah Smallwood We're Huge in Europe By Teddy Wayne An Intraoffice Flier Announcing That the Company Is Having a Jellybean-Counting Contest for Its Employees By John Frank Weaver The Dragon-Free Butterscotch FAQ By Jeremy Richards |
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