A FEW
YEARS AFTER THE
COMPLETE COLLAPSE OF
THE GLOBAL ECONOMY,
A CONSUMER REPORTER
REVIEWS THE IPHONE.
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Apple iPhone
(8-gigabyte model)
Features
Much has been made of how the iPhone is really more than just a phone. And the point bears repeating, especially now that all communication networks have been destroyed in the Great Food Wars. But even in our post-apocalyptic agrarian wasteland, this technological marvel still boasts an impressive set of functions, a partial list of which includes:
- Walnut cracker
- Canned-goods smasher
- Slingshot projectile for hunting small woodland game
- Pestle for grinding wheat into flour (and flattening pemmican)
- Nonporous preparation surface for mixing blow-dart poisons
- Reflective signal mirror for coordinating attacks on rival scavenging tribes
Sure, there are existing products that can already handle each of these tasks individually, but the iPhone really brings them all together into one easy and fun-to-use device.
Design
Apple has always had a reputation for sleek, state-of-the-art design, and the iPhone is no exception. For several weeks, I was being tracked by a pack of feral, parentless children with no sense of right or wrong. Cornered in an old boxcar, I removed the iPhone from my tattered loincloth waistband and held it out to them in an act of pure desperation. The sounds of their hissing grew quiet as the savages became entranced by its smooth, shiny surfaces and glossy, mirrored finish. Fearing me as some sort of deity, these former predators now serve as my pawns in the brutal chess match for our territory's remaining petroleum.
Sound Quality
Though I have not had a real conversation on my iPhone since the de-facto fall of mankind, I've had many, many imaginary conversations to stave off madness. Whether I'm speaking to my long-deceased stockbroker in an act of heartbreaking denial, or just verbally expressing the confused rage and fear I've lived with for the past seven years, the voice that responds in my head is always crystal clear and compassionate.
Summary
There's a good chance no one will read this, as I'm scrawling it onto the remote ruins of an old condominium building with a stick of charred wood. Nonetheless, the Apple iPhone has really changed the rules of how we communicate and survive in a constantly evolving world. I was a little disappointed that a protective carrying case is not included in the purchase price. But, overall, it's safe to say that Apple has hit yet another home run with this engaging, innovative device.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
A Few Years After the Complete Collapse of the Global Economy, a Consumer Reporter Reviews the iPhone By Matthew DuVerne Hutchinson
Orc Alumni Notes By Nathaniel Missildine
A Subtextual Reading of Your High-School French Textbook By Sarah Smallwood
We're Huge in Europe By Teddy Wayne
An Intraoffice Flier Announcing That the Company Is Having a Jellybean-Counting Contest for Its Employees By John Frank Weaver
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