THE NEUROTIC
PICKUP ARTIST.
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Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day. Just remember to stay plenty hydrated. We are in a bar, and drinking alcohol—though it may seem counterintuitive—can lead to dehydration. After all, it's a diuretic. So if you were running all day and now you're drinking martinis, you could be in danger without even realizing it. Are you having headaches? Is your urine dark? Where are you going?
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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. But I'd probably just give you a quick glance and then switch the alphabet back to the correct order. I mean, children today have enough to worry about without us changing the alphabet on them.
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What's that in your eye? Must just be a twinkle. But if it is in fact a piece of glass, we've got a problem. Corneal abrasions can be painful, let me tell you. Someone get me some water, we'll try to flush it out. Now blink a few times. That's it. Work with me here, it's better just to be safe.
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You must be a heck of a thief, because you stole my heart from across the room. I'm not going to report it, though, because our state is pretty tough on theft. A little too tough, if you ask me. And the rate of recidivism, particularly for stealing, is chilling. We need reform.
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You must be a light switch, because every time I see you, you turn me on. And I'm not so sure that's a good thing, what with global warming and all. I try to leave the lights off as much as possible, and definitely if I'm not in the room at the time. I even shut down my computer every night. You'd be surprised how the little things can make a big difference. Have you used those energy-efficient light bulbs?
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If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call "fine print." Now, that's not to say you are the much maligned and oft-ignored small-print disclaimer that the legal department of many companies slip in toward the bottom of their ads to stipulate the limitations of their offers. I was just using a little wordplay with "fine."
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Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you. Do you have any hydrogen peroxide? Maybe one of those alcohol wipes? I don't want my knee to turn into a festering cesspool of bacteria. And I definitely don't want to get blood on that pretty dress of yours.
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What time do you have to be back in heaven? I'm not suggesting you're dead or that you look dead or even that you believe in the afterlife. I was just referencing the widely accepted notion that heaven (regardless of the religion) is a utopia. And since a utopia is a perfect place and everything in it is perfect, I just thought you'd be from there.
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Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes. When I come into a little money, I swear I'm going to buy one of those GPS navigation systems. I get so frazzled when I lose my bearings and then things snowball because I'm totally disoriented and I get more and more lost. Hold me, I'm scared.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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The Neurotic Pickup Artist By Frank Ferri
A Few Years After the Complete Collapse of the Global Economy, a Consumer Reporter Reviews the iPhone By Matthew DuVerne Hutchinson
Orc Alumni Notes By Nathaniel Missildine
A Subtextual Reading of Your High-School French Textbook By Sarah Smallwood
We're Huge in Europe By Teddy Wayne
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