A ROUTINE
TRAFFIC STOP
CAN CHANGE EVERYTHING
IN AN INSTANT.
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Officer Robert Culver
On 7/13/07, at approximately 1535 hours, dispatch advised of vehicle heading W/B on Highway 31 at excessive speed. I initiated pursuit and soon spotted a white vehicle traveling W/B at an estimated 110–120 mph. Vehicle did not have license plate. I turned on siren and increased speed in the left lane and came abreast of vehicle, noticing a large numeral "5" painted on the side. Driver was Caucasian male in his mid-20s, wearing racing helmet and leaning forward over steering wheel. I eventually pulled slightly in front of his vehicle and forced it to the side of the road. As I approached the open window, driver began speaking very rapidly and incoherently about a volcano and a mountain crack that was closing. Upon request, he produced license identifying himself as SPEED RACER. I asked Mr. Racer to step from the car and he complied. His movements were unusually sudden and jerky, which aroused suspicion he was under influence of an illegal substance. When I asked Mr. Racer to explain reason for excessive speed, he again began speaking very rapidly in an agitated manner, interspersed with seemingly involuntary gasps. While he spoke, his lips moved but the rest of his body remained completely rigid and motionless. This demeanor further aroused suspicion, so I returned to squad car and radioed for paramedic assistance. Mr. Racer continued with barely intelligible speech that I could not follow. I requested he open the trunk of his vehicle, and he complied. In the trunk were a young boy, about 7, and a chimpanzee (age unknown), both unconscious, apparently suffering from severe dehydration. Boy had weak pulse and shallow breathing. I did not ascertain state of animal. Both were oddly dressed and wearing red-and-white beanies. Temperature inside the trunk was extremely high, as the outdoor temperature was about 95 degrees. Mr. Racer said he knew both individuals but was unaware they were in his trunk, which I did not find credible. I immediately placed him in handcuffs and informed him of his Miranda rights.
Paramedic Richard Foley
When we arrived on scene, the driver of the car was restrained in handcuffs and motionless but clearly delusional. He spoke in a very rushed manner about a place called "Kapecapek" and the urgency to get through the tunnel before the mountain crashed down on him. He was able to respond when I asked his name but not when I asked him what month or year it was, or who was the current president. I thought he might be in the manic phase of bipolar disorder, but he did not exhibit increased activity or gestures, instead remaining completely still except for his lips. Also, did not seem to have inflated sense of self-esteem. Upon consulting with the arresting officer, we agreed patient should be taken to Belkin Memorial Hospital for evaluation and/or treatment.
Paramedic Peter Davidson
I attended to treatment of 7-year-old boy, who was severely dehydrated and hyperthermic. After cutting off his overalls, I placed him in ambulance, put in an IV with saline, and applied wet towels to the skin to lower his body temperature. As we were en route to hospital, boy regained consciousness. We attempted to get him to drink water, but he refused, instead making frantic requests to secure his bag of candy before "Chim-Chim" ate it. He was transferred to St. Luke's Hospital and held for observation.
Officer Robert Culver
Due to possibility of rabies, I did not attempt to remove chimpanzee from trunk but contacted Animal Control for disposal. I awaited tow truck to transfer the arrested individual's vehicle for impoundment. As vehicle was being hitched for towing, multiple rods shot down from the underside, propelling vehicle into the air and wrenching hook out of the truck. Vehicle flipped and landed on its side in the highway, narrowly missing me, at which point two rotary saws projected from the front bumper. I backed off and took a defensive position to the side of the vehicle, calling for further backup. At that moment, a motorized device resembling a seagull shot out from the front of the vehicle into the air for about 100 yards and then circled back and began closing on me rapidly. I discharged my weapon 3–4 times as it approached but did not hit it. The device went past me at very high speed and quickly faded from sight. The blades of the rotary saws on the vehicle continued to spin, with one blade beginning to smoke and throwing off sparks from contact with blacktop. Due to the hazardous situation, I established a perimeter around the vehicle and contacted the fire department and bomb squad.
Addendum Posted 7/17/07
by Captain Kenneth McCormick
Officer Culver is on extended leave to undergo psychological counseling and treatment for PTSD. Please direct further inquiries regarding this incident to me. The vehicle is now under the jurisdiction of the Department of Defense.
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Jim Stallard's
Other Features.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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A Routine Traffic Stop Can Change Everything in an Instant By Jim Stallard
How Someone With an American Public-School Education Who Didn't Really Pay Much Attention in Class but Learned Just Enough to Pass Exams Imagines the First Thanksgiving By Matt Passet
Other Ways the Terrorists Win By Justin Paul Villegas
Referee Ed Hochuli's More Notable Calls By Frank Ferri
Surgery Is Easy By Wendy Molyneux
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