LINKEDIN
INVITATION
E-MAIL COPY
REVISED.
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Since you are a person I trust will help me out of a little jam I seem to have gotten myself into, I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.
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Since you are a person who would obviously agree that, when we were flying to the Midwest for the trade show, I had an adverse reaction to a completely legal herbal relaxation tincture and my situation onboard the flight was unfairly categorized as air rage and disorderly conduct, I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.
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Since you are a person I can rely on in the coming weeks or months, no matter how weird things get—I'm thinking mostly of some fallout from the Holiday Inn incident, in which my foolish prank resulted in a fire in the trash can in the lobby, and, I might add, a complete overreaction from the hotel staff and the Minneapolis firefighters—I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.
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Since you are a person I can honestly say I feel could keep a secret with regard to the sales conference in Miami, and who I think will back me up in the face of any resulting problems in my personal relationships and home life, I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.
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Since you are a person who I imagine has heard what's going on with me after Miami, and with whom I imagine I'll be able to stay while this whole situation with my girlfriend is getting sorted out, I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.
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Since you are a person who I'm hoping will be compassionate and understanding of the fact that my job is now apparently totally gone and I'm under some pretty heavy legal crap with them to boot, I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.
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Since you are a person who would be completely correct if you said that my gambling problem is the least of my worries at this point, I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.
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Since you are a person who has blocked my iChat instant messages and is apparently acting like you can't receive e-mail from me, I'd like to say that I've forgotten completely about adding you to my professional network on LinkedIn.
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I would, however, appreciate it if you would use the site to introduce me to the creative director at Pellson and Partners, who is one of the contacts on your profile. I really should be trying to find work—free time is just a disaster for me; not that employment didn't come with its share of headaches, I guess. Also, I'd appreciate it if you could recommend my work with the LinkedIn recommendation function. Since you're a person I trust, I would like to thank you in advance.
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Dan Kennedy's
Other Features.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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LinkedIn Invitation E-mail Copy Revised By Dan Kennedy
So, You Just Found Daddy's Meth Lab By Daveo Mathias
A Routine Traffic Stop Can Change Everything in an Instant By Jim Stallard
How Someone With an American Public-School Education Who Didn't Really Pay Much Attention in Class but Learned Just Enough to Pass Exams Imagines the First Thanksgiving By Matt Passet
Other Ways the Terrorists Win By Justin Paul Villegas
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