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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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ON COMMUNITY.BY RYAN MAZER- - - - Community has a variety of definitions, but only one is correct. It is a concept adhering to three criteria: it must house some sort of population, cause social anxiety disorder, and contain at least one fountain in its center. All three factors must be present for qualification as a community. For instance, groups meeting the first criterion but not the last two are identified as "illegitimate communities," as in not counting. Population The first factor of any community is a population, known as "the boring factor." The inhabitants must not all belong to the same family, as this would be considered an "estate," which includes the use of a gate spanning the perimeter and thus would require an extra criterion. Put most concisely, a community can only exist if a group of people live there, and "there" must be where a group of people live. If a group of people do not live there, a fountain should be built. People will come. The location may just be a popular resort that people only visit. This is because they are tired of the manufactured fountains of their place of origin and yearn to watch water in its natural state—with beer cans in it. If people live in a place that is not where they live, something is wrong. Dramamine is suggested. Cause of Social Anxiety The matter of a community as a cause of social anxiety is meant as the dull sister (which shall be called "Ashley") to the more upsetting view of it as an instrument of oppression that inhibits people's individuality and attainment of goals and which must be revolted against and ultimately destroyed. I have chosen to use the breezier definition because I do not wish to consider the other any further, lest I have a bad day and spend its majority in bed crying. Also, revolutions should be avoided at all costs, as one's hand always gets stepped on. But, in the interest of honesty, what would a community be if not a source of some social discomfort? If a person experiences such anxiety at an early age, that person (from here represented as "he" for concision and accuracy) will likely develop certain insecurities that will make him appear weird to the community, which will in turn lead him to deeper insecurities. This cycle continues until he becomes confined to his room writing stories about people turning into bugs or joins a fraternity. In this way, insecurities are important. They shape our personalities, and add conflict to our otherwise boring lives. While natives of Burundi must wonder how they will get their next day's food, a member of a real community must worry about being laughed at for ordering from Pizza Hut when everyone else in his neighborhood prefers Domino's. But it's all relative. Fountain A community must also contain a decorative fountain, because what else is to be done with all of the liquid soap? The local shops are usually overstocked, with shippers intentionally packing more of the product than ordered so they can watch people dispose of the waste into the fountain. A fountain also invites delinquent behavior and therefore allows parents an opportunity to feel useful. Unless, of course, the community happens to be a university, in which case the supervisor will deem the behavior acceptable as long as it makes a more enjoyable first year for freshmen. In Conclusion Communities are of the utmost importance. Without them, populations, social anxiety disorder, and fountains would have no category to call home. However, without said components, communities would be in far worse shape. In such a case, a community would be nothingness, which, on the upside, is much more convenient to travel across. These nothings have been dubbed "naked communities" and find it easier to attract other communities but are only permitted at certain beaches. So perhaps communities missing these criteria do not have it so bad. This should be evaluated. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - On Community By Ryan MazerThe Latke Who Couldn't Stop Screaming: A Christmas Story By Lemony Snicket Signs Above My Halloween Candy: 1996–2006 By Zach Oberman An Eighth-Grader's Halloween-Costume Ideas Designed to Get Her in With the Popular Girls By Emily Axford Punching Up the Script: Car Wash (1976) By Dan Kennedy |
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