Perfect for Mother's Day: the Baby Be of Use series or The Secret Language of Sleep. - - - -

A ROBOT PERFORMS STANDUP COMEDY TO A LACKLUSTER RESPONSE. BY MICHAEL DRUCKER - - - - Hello, world! What level is everyone's excitement currently at? I'm sorry. I cannot hear you. Would you please repeat your excitement, preferably at a louder volume? Thank you. I am also excited. Have you ever noticed the difference between white robots and black robots? White robots are all 1001001, but black robots are all 0110110. Do you agree? You have said that you do not agree. Dating between robots can also be difficult. I will often say, "Please let me watch the local sporting event." But she will just as often say, "I want to spend time together!" The metaphor is that male robots and female robots speak different languages. Do you agree? You have said that you do not agree. Because you do not agree, I will now perform improvised crowd work. Where is everyone from? I'm sorry; I did not hear your response. Could you please repeat that? You said you were from "Go Fuck Yourself." Is this correct? You have collectively said, "Yes." I am not familiar with Go Fuck Yourself. The closest location I could find is Falkville, Alabama. Is this the location you mean? You have collectively reassured me that you are from Go Fuck Yourself. Because I am not familiar with this location, I cannot speak humorously on its merits and flaws. Do you have factories in Go Fuck Yourself? I was made in a factory. The funny setup is that robots make new robots. You, as a human, are probably thinking, "I would love to spend all day making more humans because the sexual experience is pleasurable to my flesh." However, the point of irony is that robots make new robots—but we do not have sex. We use lasers and molten metal. Am I right? I assume that this man understands my point of view. I am being shown the light, a symbol that tells me to politely end my comical discourse. My name is RT-8500 and I will be here all millennium. Not that you will live that long. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. I am just kidding—although the facts I state are empirically true. Good night. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - A Robot Performs Standup Comedy to a Lackluster Response By Michael Drucker The Believer 2007 Art Issue On Community By Ryan Mazer The Latke Who Couldn't Stop Screaming: A Christmas Story By Lemony Snicket Signs Above My Halloween Candy: 1996–2006 By Zach Oberman

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