HOW TO
ROLL OUT OF
A MOVING CAR.
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First, come across some government secrets that you have no business knowing. The easiest way to do this is to fiddle around on your boss's computer at work. Although you're just a temp, make sure you're also a computer genius. Try to do something innocent, like secretly change your schedule so you can attend your friend's bachelor party in Atlantic City. Also, make sure your boss is a secret CIA operative.
Then, all of a sudden, accidentally hack into his computer using your computer genius and realize—oh shit—you're looking at a plan to kill the senator, and it's going to happen in seven hours' time at the big speech he's going to make at the fancy hotel!
Next, recognize that you have to do something even though you're just a slacker college dropout—though you do have undeniable charm and a good sense of humor and, again, you're a computer genius.
Then run out of your boss's office to go and warn the senator. However, before you run out, leave your signature naked-lady pen on his desk, next to the computer. Maybe prop it up on the keyboard vertically so that the naked lady is naked. This will make it more noticeable to your boss when he walks in three minutes later and everything seems to be fine until he spots your signature naked-lady pen and totally recognizes it as yours and realizes that something is amiss. He will check to see what the last thing that was opened on his computer was, and he'll see that the last thing opened was the plan to kill the senator. Your boss will put two and two together and whip out his iPhone and call his high-class CIA goons to go and find you.
Be sure to be riding your bike so that the black town car driven by the high-class CIA goons can more easily run you off the road and thus be able to unceremoniously shove you into the backseat of the town car. You probably have a better chance of surviving this encounter if you're wearing a helmet. Your boss will be sitting across from you, because it's one of those town cars that aren't limos but still have the seats that face each other in the back.
So your boss will be all like, "I know that you know about my plans to kill the senator, and now I'm going to have to kill you, even though you're a good temp with undeniable charm," and you're going to have to be all like, "That's cool, but—" And that's when you have to open the door and roll out of the car. Don't be tempted to get a pithy final word in, as that only happens in the movies. You have to catch your boss off-guard, so open the door in the middle of a sentence. They probably won't have remembered to lock it, what with all the commotion, and if they have, it's not like it's a police car or anything. Just eye where the lock is located and, in one swift motion, unlock the door and then open it. Don't hesitate, though ideally you should wait until the car is in the right lane so you can avoid being hit by the other motorists and can more easily roll into the ditch located by the side of the road.
If you start to feel sorry for yourself, think of Harrison Ford in The Fugitive. He had to escape from a burning bus while in hand- and ankle cuffs and then dodge a derailed train and run (awkwardly) into the woods, all the while thinking about his beloved murdered wife and how he was going to clear himself of a crime he didn't commit. He didn't even know about the one-armed man at that point and still he was under extreme pressure.
Hit the ground with your shoulder and then quickly transfer the weight to your entire side while propelling yourself in a rolling motion, heading for the safety of the roadside ditch. Keep your arms crossed tightly around your core, as this will increase your circular motion. Hopefully, you still have your bike helmet on, but if they've stripped you of it, keep your head raised to avoid banging it (over and over again) on the ground. This will take abdominal strength, so, for three months in advance, do 500 crunches a day.
Once you've safely landed in the ditch, you can contemplate your next move. Do you run to the fancy hotel and try to save the senator, or do you just get the hell out of town and save your own skin? Let's be honest—who's going to believe you? Maybe in the movies they would if Kevin Costner were the senator's bodyguard or if you were the aforementioned Harrison Ford, but this is not the movies, my friend. This is life, and it is very, very real, and, as dirty as you are from the fall and as young and insignificant and unfamous as you are in general, you probably won't get past the doorman. The senator's probably some sleazy fat cat, anyway, and if the CIA wants to kill him, then they must have a good reason. The point is, you've successfully and safely rolled out of a moving car. And that's story enough for the bachelor party in Atlantic City, which you are now free to attend.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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How to Roll Out of a Moving Car By Sarah Walker
I Came, I Saw, I Said By Jason Roeder
The Catholic Church Moves Into the Information Age: A 21st-Century Confession By John Frank Weaver
Some Relatively Recent College Grads Discuss Their Maids By Ellie Kemper
Other Moments in a Soccer Player's Life By Jamie Allen
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