IF MY PARENTS IN
SPOKANE SUBMITTED
WHAT THEY CONSIDERED
CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS
TO GAWKER.COM.
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1:24 p.m. Albertsons on Grand Boulevard. Saw Marilou Jennings' youngest daughter. She looked fat. Well, it's true.
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3:28 p.m. Near the Met. Saw that timpani player from the symphony, walking out of rehearsal. He was not with that whore of a flutist he usually cavorts around town with—who is definitely not as pretty as my daughter, by the way. Good move getting rid of her, timpani player. Almost asked him if he was interested in meeting my daughter,
but thought better of it. People probably do that all the time! Also, my daughter seems uninterested in dating anyone with a real job who hasn't completely depleted his sperm count by ingesting too many illegal drugs. Well, I'm sure I'd make a terrible grandmother anyway.
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5:26 p.m. Downtown, near the WaMu. That Channel 8 news anchor. What's his name? Ned something. My husband told me that Bruce Allen told him that the Channel 8 guy was sleeping with a 17-year-old. And I bet it's true, because have you seen his wife lately? Because I haven't, if you know what I mean. I mean, I think she left
him because he's sleeping with a 17-year-old. Ned Chancellor! That's his name. He got that gastric-bypass surgery in Mexico, you know, even though he was only a little heavy. I can't remember who told me that. But they knew it for sure, whoever it was. Speaking of surgery ...
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3:16 p.m. Downtown, coming out of Red Robin with a doggy bag. Saw Tom Kapler's wife, and my wife says she got a nose job, because it was all puffy. I just think she's drinking again. Also, last week at Mass she kissed me on the lips during the peace-be-with-you shit. She's a fun girl, Jeannie Kapler.
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7:11 p.m. AMC Theatres. My husband and I were there to see Miss Potter, which, I should tell you, was just wonderful. I worry about that Zellweger girl, though, after that awful marriage to that country musician whose father was not Tug McGraw. I think she falls in love too easily, that's what I think. Do you think she does drugs? I don't, but I was just wondering. Also, is she fat or skinny now? She was normal in the movie, but kind of fat-normal. Anyway, she reminds me of my daughter. Well, as we were going in, I saw Paul Stephenson, my daughter's ex-boyfriend from high school, with his wife and new baby, and they were coming out of The Pursuit of Happyness. I hear he's working at an investment firm downtown! He's so handsome.
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8:30 a.m. As I was walking on High Drive with the dog, who should walk out of that fancy white house with the weird windows and those awful, tacky geraniums but Johnny Rogers, that boy that Mike played baseball with in high school. Johnny got into his car and waved at the person standing in the doorway. And guess who was standing at the door?
Another man. I'm just saying.
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9:45 a.m. At the Starbucks next to Barnes & Noble. Hey, that guy from that movie they're filming downtown is drinking coffee here right now. I can't remember who he is. He seems like a jackass. I don't know why, that's just what I think. Oh, wait, it's not that guy. It's just the kid who works at Blockbuster. I knew he looked familiar. Anyway, he takes cream and sugar in his coffee, if you want to know.
He is kind of a jackass.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
If My Parents in Spokane Submitted What They Considered Celebrity Sightings to Gawker.com By Kate Kershner
Traveling Europe in Style With Auckland Dingiroo, Dark-Age Tourist and Critic of Food and Drink: Where Not to Go By John Hallmann
The International Society of Magicians Responds to an Applicant By Rob Bloom
Rough Drafts of Jenna Bush's Young-Adult Novel By Jeff Barnosky
Letters Home From the Cola Wars: Volume One By Peter Hyman
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