LOWLIGHTS
FROM MY FAILED
HIDDEN-CAMERA SHOW.
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Episode: "Playing Ketchup"
I wolf down a cheeseburger deluxe and fries in a diner at 2 a.m., leaving only a goopy mass of ketchup on the plate. I command the waitress to doggy-bag it. She refuses, and proceeds to wonder aloud how life has led her to serving greasy food to "fat, drunk losers" like me at 3 a.m. Seeing the opportunity to push her buttons (for the sake of good TV), I point out that it's actually only 2 a.m. and that my ketchup still isn't packed up. She storms off. I pick up the ketchup-smeared plate, smash it on the floor, and yell, "If I can't
take home this ketchup, then no one will have it!" As I am escorted out by the busboy, I say, "See that camera? You've been dished!"
Episode: "Crash Course"
I visit a Porsche dealership and contract to buy a brand-new 911 Turbo on the spot. My seeming nonchalance about dropping six figures on a car without even test-driving it has the entire staff scrambling to meet my every demand. When it's time to choose the car's color, I chew a purple jellybean, then pop a yellow one in my mouth. Rick, the salesman, sits patiently as I chew for another 20 seconds until the jellybeans are sufficiently combined. I grab Rick's hand and spit the jellybean mixture into his palm. "See that color?" I say. "Match the Porsche to that color." I fill out the paperwork using the identity of someone else (see Episode: "Mail Fraud Mayhem"). I pick up the Porsche one month later and immediately drive it through the dealership window, because I can't drive stick. I total the car and inflict serious damage on two other floor models. As I'm handcuffed for DWI and sundry other charges, I yell, "See that camera? You've been gassed!"
Episode: "Nuts"
I choose one of the busiest days of the week to visit my local supermarket. I grab a can of mixed nuts, the one that says "Less than 50% Peanuts" and proceed to the longest line. I ask to go ahead of everyone, since I have just a single can of nuts. They are gracious enough to let me go to the front. I tell the cashier that the claim of "Less than 50% Peanuts" is true less than 15% of the time. (I made this statistic up, but she seems to buy it, because she smiles and nods.) I dump the entire contents of the can onto the conveyor belt and tell her to count each type of nut and separate them by type. I tell her that if there is, in fact, a peanut majority, then I will "lose my shit." I am struck with a blunt object (frozen pork loin?) on the back of my head. Waking up on my couch at home, I realize that I never got to say, "See that camera? You've been nutted!"
Episode: "Waterfalls"
At a fancy-schmancy restaurant with my now ex-wife and her now ex-boss, the waiter asks us what water we'd care to enjoy. The Bosstard, as I like to call him, smugly chooses a Finnish bottled water that he claims is his favorite. I cackle wildly at his order, then slowly work my way up to a murderous rage. As I lean over, centimeters from his face, he asks me what my problem is. I tell him that only an uninformed asshole would choose his water before knowing what food will be eaten with it. I fling my amuse-bouche onto his lap. As he readies himself to retaliate, I say, "See that camera? You've been brunoised!" With sadness and frustration, my wife shakes her head and says, "Frank, there aren't any cameras. There are never any cameras."
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Lowlights From My Failed Hidden-Camera Show By Frank Ferri
Romeo and Juliet Flynn, the Sophomore Squad's Head Cheerleader By J.P. Lacrampe
Appropriate Reverence Along the Hollywood Walk of Fame By Nathaniel Missildine
Competitive Horseback Riding Rule Book By Leeyanne Moore
Two Previously Known and 15 Brand-New Closing Signatures, to Be Inserted at the End of Your Love Letters for Valentine's or Any Other Day By Mike Sacks
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