THE MODERN GIRL'S
GUIDE TO CURING ...
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A Boring Sex Life
Honey, sometimes you gotta give your man a break and shake things up a bit in the bedroom. When was the last time you surprised him with a sexy new piece of lingerie? Have you tried giving him a sinful yet sensuous lap dance? Why not try that new position your girlfriend was telling you about? Men love sex, but they love sexual variety even more. Sometimes a gal's gotta switch it up to keep her boy toy interested. Trust us: throw a couple of curveballs his way and he'll be begging for more in no time!
Meat
All right, girl, first you grind the beef and pork through a quarter-inch plate. Spice things up a bit with garlic or marjoram and then add some water. Make sure you mix it thoroughly! Next you have to grind it through a 3/16-inch plate. Work it, honey! Now, stuff all that delicious meat into natural hog casings and keep it at a temperature of 38ºF overnight. Get a good night's sleep, girl—you deserve it! The next day, smoke your meat at 90 to 100ºF for about two hours. Now it's time to indulge yourself. Read a book! Eat some chocolate! Relax! After two hours, raise the temperature gradually to 165 to 170ºF in the smokehouse and cook that meat until its internal temperature reaches 150ºF. And always remember, girlfriend: beef produces a deeper red color and improves the product's consistency and appearance.
Zombie Attacks
Girlfriend, you've got to start kicking some zombie butt! Have your gal pals over (the ones whose brains have not yet been eaten by zombies) and start finding weapons wherever you can. You're gonna need to give those undead nasties a hard whack on the head to destroy their brains and send them packing for the gates of Hell, so things like shovels and baseball bats are a good idea. If they aren't available, use your feminine intuition. A true lady knows how to improvise! Maybe a chair leg or a closet rod will do the job! But, please, honey, try to stay away from shotguns. They do not become you. Once you and all your gal pals are armed and ready, it's time to make your move! Enclosed spaces without easy means of escape are a definite don't, so get out there and make some moves! Stealth is key, so it's time for all that ballet practice you did as a little girl to pay off. You've got to be on your toes! And remember, you and your posse of hardcore grrrls should fight only those zombies that are in your path. Any unnecessary zombie killing will only draw more attention your way. One false move and those zombies will be all over you like a frat boy on a tube top! If it's a voodoo-style zombie attack you're dealing with, then you're going to have to find and kill the zombies' master. Doing that will stop the horde of undead for sure. But if you're dealing with zombies that were reanimated through scientific or natural means, try to band together with other nonzombies and fight your way to safety at the nearby Army base. Maybe you'll meet the hunk of your dreams—right after he's done saving your life!
Cancer
Though many leading physicians recommend preventive measures such as healthy diet and regular checkups, there is no cure for cancer.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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The Modern Girl's Guide to Curing ... By Mike Benner
Lowlights From My Failed Hidden-Camera Show By Frank Ferri
Romeo and Juliet Flynn, the Sophomore Squad's Head Cheerleader By J.P. Lacrampe
Appropriate Reverence Along the Hollywood Walk of Fame By Nathaniel Missildine
Competitive Horseback Riding Rule Book By Leeyanne Moore
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