SOME OTHER
ZAPRUDER FILMS.
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Gerald Ford Has a Milk Mustache
In this rare moment of Fordian humor, newly sworn-in Gerald Ford sits at a luncheon next to Vice President Nelson Rockefeller. The silent 21-second Hi8 film shows the two men talking and pointing at something off-camera (possibly the sad clown who had been hired to entertain White House staff that afternoon). A few seconds later, Ford picks up an unpeeled orange and hurls it (again, probably at the sad clown, or maybe at Mrs. Ford). The two men share a laugh, and Ford sips from a tall glass of milk. When he sets the glass down, a perfect horizontal mustache now graces his lips. Experts agree that Ford was not alerted to his creamy upper lip, but conspiracy theorists claim that when he leans in to Rockefeller and speaks he's saying, "Where's your mustache?"
Nancy Reagan Fells a Deer
Nancy Reagan was never regarded as an avid hunter, but Zapruder's 1981 film of the first lady begs to differ. On a trip to Juneau, Alaska, where the president is giving a speech at an environmental summit, Mrs. Reagan takes a tour of the waterfront. There, clopping down the street, is a 128-pound white-tailed doe. As the fragile creature leans into a rhododendron bush and sniffs the flowers, Zapruder's 38-second video recording shows Mrs. Reagan reddening with rage, kicking off her high heels, and sprinting toward the animal. Her footsteps softened by nylon stockings, Reagan is able to reach the deer before it has even noticed her. Within seconds, Reagan grapples the doe around the neck and, with special-ops precision, snaps its vertebrae. The deer dies instantly, and the two willowy creatures collapse to the pavement. The last audio is Reagan laughing, before Zapruder mutters, "Holy shit, how does this keep happening to me?"
Ricky Zapruder's Birthday Party
This 4-hour digital video shows Abraham Zapruder's nephew on his sixth birthday. A mere 58 minutes before the cake is sliced, the scavenger hunt is won by Bobby Genghis, Ricky's best friend. Susan Southby takes a spill on the front porch, but only laughs, brushes herself off, and says, "Oops!" Everything goes smoothly until, in the last 33 seconds of the film, Richard Nixon appears in the background, ambling up to the sliding door and pressing his face against the glass. His hands are covered in blood, and he appears to be holding a pitchfork. His eyes dart nervously as he tries to see what's happening inside. Suddenly, he emits a guttural growl, and the children begin screaming. The film ends when the DV recorder is dropped to the ground.
Zapruder's New Friend
This 1-minute-12-second film was shot inside St. Melanie's Psychiatric Hospital, in Arlington, Virginia, two months after Zapruder arrived there requesting care. The camcorder jerks in Zapruder's unsteady hands as he aims it out the window, zooming in on rows of trees and manicured lawns. We can hear, on the crackly recording, Zapruder's giggling voice: "That's right, just a nice old hospital, where no presidents can find me." He adds, "I'll bet you can't find me, you bad, bad presidents, and your—your horrible, horrible lives!" After some laughter, which shakes the camera, nothing happens for 16 seconds. Suddenly, we hear the click of the door opening, and the camera swivels toward the entrance. Jimmy Carter stands in the doorway, wearing only socks. "Oh, hello there," he says in his grandfatherly voice. "I suppose we're going to be roommates. Don't worry, I'm not insane. I just come here to unwind." Naked and smiling, Carter pulls out a box of doughnuts and offers it to Zapruder. The remaining tape is nothing but Zapruder's quiet sobbing, and then it turns to static.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Some Other Zapruder Films By Robert Isenberg
Goofs Found in Hot and Horny Cheerleaders 5, According to the Internet Movie Database By Mike Richardson-Bryan
Regarding My Job Description By Jim Stallard
Black History Month: An Objective Perspective By the Assimilated Negro
The Modern Girl's Guide to Curing ... By Mike Benner
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