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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.

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THE OFFICE: A SPEC SCRIPT BY DAVID MAMET. BY JULIA WARD - - - - INT. TALKING HEAD—DAY STANLEY: The office smells vaguely of shit. It gets so you don't mind. That's the worst of it. You know how long I've been here? Too long. When you die you're going to regret the things you didn't do. You think you're a pervert? I'm going to tell you something. We're all perverts. You're a thief. So be it. Befuddled by corporate morality? Shut it out. You think you're going to hell? Too late. Hell exists on earth. Here. At Dunder-Mifflin. INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE—DAY DWIGHT: I pitched those cocksuckers in Allentown. They wouldn't buy. They wouldn't buy a paper clip. They're dead. I want new leads, Michael. I want leads that didn't come out of the phone book. MICHAEL: I can't do it. Money's tight. You know how much those leads cost. DWIGHT: I need my balls back. My girlfriend, she's ... I can get hot. You know that. MICHAEL: You blew the last ... DWIGHT: Come on. Jim's throwing the Abington leads away. All I'm asking for ... MICHAEL: I can't do it. DWIGHT: Help me out. MICHAEL: Maybe something off the B list. INT. OFFICE—DAY (PAM and JIM are at their desks. PAM calls JIM. Phone RINGS. JIM picks up.) PAM: Itus. I-T-U-S or I-T-I-S? JIM: I'm sorry ... PAM: I-T-I-S. Arthur Itis. Give me a lead. JIM: A lead? PAM: Dwight needs leads. JIM: Arthur Itus? PAM: I.P. Freely. JIM: Hoo Flung Poo. PAM: Nora Lender Bee. JIM: Seymore Fellows. PAM: Butts. INT. CHILI'S—DAY MICHAEL: So how'd you do last night? RYAN: Are you kidding me? MICHAEL: Yeah ... no. RYAN: How'd you do last night? MICHAEL: Twenty-something-year-old comes up to me. RYAN: Are you kidding me? MICHAEL: Tits out to here. RYAN: She knew the play. MICHAEL: Nah. RYAN: No? MICHAEL: She wrote the play. RYAN: A real pro. MICHAEL: Pro wrestler. RYAN: Wanted her seat back? MICHAEL: Yep. RYAN: Yeah. INT. TALKING HEAD—DAY STANLEY: I don't know. I don't know anymore. Comfort? Security? It means nothing to me anymore. What is it? Paper. Smooth finish. Twenty-five percent cotton rag. Bullshit. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - The Office: A Spec Script by David Mamet By Julia Ward Whale of Mass Destruction—Richard B. Cheney, Adjunct Professor in the Humanities, Presents: The Annual Symbolism in Melville Lecture By Blair Becker The Americans Who Voted for George W. Bush Wish to Return Their Television By Wayne Gladstone Superfoods for the Pessimist By Chris Hicks Talk to Us With Towels By Rob Sears

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE WINGS AT THE BALLET YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT THANKS AND HAVE FUN RUNNING THE COUNTRY LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL