THE PERSONAL
JOURNAL OF ZAN,
THE MALE HALF OF
THE WONDER TWINS.
BY SEAN HEWLETT
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January 21
Thinking of talking Jayna into quitting the Super Friends with me. It's not that I don't believe in what we do. It's just embarrassing. I mean, how do I fit in with these guys? What's that, Superman? You reversed time today by forcing the Earth to reverse its rotation? And, Batman, what'd you say? No superpowers and you still beat up a gang of 37 thugs and saved the president from being assassinated? Yeah, I had a good day, too. I turned into a bucket full of water and my monkey sidekick dumped me on the bad guy. It didn't really stop him, but I bet his sweater shrunk a little ... Yeah, go team.
January 22
Batman is an asshole. As he's assigning tasks to each Super Friend during an attack by the Legion of Doom, he tells me and my sister to mop the meeting room while everyone else fights the fight. Pretty certain he thinks of us as the Wonder Janitors.
January 23
Discovered great new use for superpower that makes me rethink leaving. Took the form of Wonder Woman's shower water. Way better than initial toilet-water plan.
January 24
New low today. As Black Lightning and Green Lantern were harassing Aquaman for lame superpower of talking to fish, he responded by saying, "At least I can do more than take the 'form of' an ice ladder!" and stormed out of the room. And he did that air-quote thing when he said "form of." Somehow, that made it much worse.
January 25
Jayna not down with plan to leave. She says it's because of the Super Friends insurance package. Admittedly, hard to beat the dental here, but I think her not wanting to leave has more to do with her crush on Robin. Gaydar obviously not one of her hidden superpowers. Also, can't get her to agree to new, more aggressive battle plans. She seemed to consider my puddle-of-water/electric-eel combo, but won't even entertain ideas about her choosing more lethal animals with poison or claws or big teeth. I mean, wouldn't a pond/great-white-shark combo be more efficient than our stupid ice-wall/kangaroo combo?
January 26
We're less visible than Wonder Woman's jet around here. No one ever tries to get to know us. No one ever asks, "Hey, how'd you get your powers?" or "How is your power activated by contact with your sister?" or "How does your costume become a form of water, too?" or "Why the fuck are your ears pointy like that?" Hell, no one even asks, "Hey, what's your name?" We're just "the twins." People know the freakin' monkey's name, though.
January 27
Pulled off greatest prank ever today. At the mayor's ceremony awarding the Super Friends the key to the city, took the form of a big fucking wet spot on the crotch of the Flash's tights as he addressed the crowd. Guess he found out there are more embarrassing things than getting made fun of for wearing purple tights in front of a bunch of grade-school kids, huh?
January 28
I want to die. I don't have the words to describe the horror that was today. Apache Chief took a big swig of me when I was in water form and I had to wait it out. Yeah, as in pass through his digestive system. So, now, not only did I have to get pissed out of a giant Indian—and I'm positive there isn't enough therapy in the world to get me to forget the things I saw—but I'm pretty sure I smell like urine. That means there's probably a little of him left in me ... I want to die. So much worse than the time I lost two fingers because that little asshole Gleek spilled some of me out of the bucket.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
The Personal Journal of Zan, the Male Half of the Wonder Twins By Sean Hewlett
ESPN's College GameDay Analyzes My Recent Sexual Encounter By Dede Preno
If Career Services Coached Your Son in T-Ball ... By Taylor Payne
Thrilling Chapter Endings You May Use in Your Next Novel By Zhubin Parang
Perhaps My Pickup Lines Need Work By Frank Ferri
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