HOW TO
TELL JESUS FROM
THE ANTICHRIST.
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Watch out that you are not deceived. For many will come in my name, claiming, "I am he," and, "The time is near." Do not follow them.
—Luke 21:8
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I think it's fair to say that we are all excited about the upcoming return of the Messiah. But before we allow ourselves to get too carried away we have to remind ourselves that there will also be others who claim to be Christ, and it would be embarrassing to find out too late that one has backed the wrong horse. Of special concern is the evil Antichrist, who, despite having "Christ" in his name, will not be the true Savior but rather a foul tempter, whose main goal is to lure the faithful from the true path. But how are you, as a good Christian, supposed to tell the fake Christ from the real Christ? Imagine yourself in a situation where two Christs stand in front of you. Both are blond and blue-eyed, but only one is the Son of God. Think of how bad you'd feel if you shot the wrong one. The following are excellent methods for making sure you don't make that mistake.
Fiddle Contest
This really only works if you are an exceptional fiddle player. If you are absolutely confident that you are the best fiddler ever, proceed to challenge the Christs to separate duels. If you narrowly defeat one of them, you can be sure that this is the Son of Satan and not the Son of God. If, however, the Christ puts forth a valiant effort but, in the end, is defeated handily by your folksy sense of rhythm and harmony, you have found the true Messiah. Bow down and kiss his feet. Maybe you are upset to learn that the Antichrist's fiddling is superior to regular Christ's. It is disturbing, to be sure, but there is nothing I can do about this. Would you rather I lie to you?
Romantic Overtures
If you are not a superior violinist, much can be learned by explicitly offering to make out with the potential Christs. Certainly, if you are male, and the Christ to whom you make the offer jumps at the opportunity, it is probable that he is not our Savior. However, it should be understood that a rejection of this offer cannot necessarily be taken as proof of divinity. It is wholly possible that the Antichrist, despite his lack of Christian morality, is "not into dudes." If you are a woman, you can rest assured that the deceiver will take you up on your offer. The Antichrist's libido, as described in the Bible ("Baby's gotta have it"—Matthew 18:25), is a dead giveaway. This willingness to sate carnal appetites stands in stark contrast to the response you will get from the true Son of God. Upon being asked if he wants to make out, he will pass on the offer in such a caring, courteous way that you will not even feel embarrassed at having made it.
Third-Party Verification
Those of us who have devoted our lives to Jesus but have had little one-on-one contact with him may be forgiven for a certain amount of trepidation when attempting to determine whether a Christ is the real thing or an infernal impostor, but what of those who know him best? There are, after all, those to whom the absence or presence of Christ is obvious. Thus, who better to call upon for assistance in Christ verification than Jesus's most faithful follower? Though there are only a few references to him in the current translation of the Bible, Hoot, Jesus's dog, was a powerful ally in the foundation of the Church, and he will be able to recognize his master instantly. For his services, he'll expect you to provide him with cold cuts. Though this method, when applied, is foolproof, its weakness lies in the fact that in order to summon Hoot you must be in possession of the Spear of Destiny.
Give Him a Punch
This should be seen as a last resort. If he swings back at you, or turns into a pile of poisonous snakes, he is probably the Antichrist. If he does nothing but look back at you beatifically, or presents the other cheek for you to hit, you may have just punched the Son of God in the face. You should apologize profusely, though he will probably forgive you immediately.
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