A MEMO
TO MY NEW
BOYFRIEND
RE: CLARIFICATION
OF OFFER PURSUANT
TO SECURITIES AND
EXCHANGE COMMISSION
REGULATIONS AND ALSO
MY TROUBLE WITH
MONOGAMY.
- - - -
Dear New Boyfriend,
This memorandum is in reference to last night's meeting, during which I offered to "love you forever, no matter what." Hopefully, this memo will serve to clarify that statement, and to define its terms so as to make the offer specific and practicable.
I'd like to begin by observing that contracts made under duress are invalid. While I would not refer to erotic paroxysms as "duress," exactly, I think we can agree that their effect on the ability to form contracts is somewhat similar. Therefore, please allow me to amend the offer as follows.
Regarding "love": I turn now to The Random House Dictionary, which offers no fewer than 28 definitions of the word. Excluding those about tennis and theology (not my least favorite of subjects, but hardly apropos here), I think we might settle on definition 16, "to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person)," although I might also refer you to definition 20, "to have sexual intercourse with," although, ironically, definition 20 is really the root of our need for clarification in this sober morning light.
While "love" as a term will, I hope, prove uncontroversial, "forever" poses a bit more difficulty and leads to the introduction of my first amendment to the offer. I'm afraid what I really meant was "indefinitely." Certainly, love "without a fixed or specified limit"
will be sufficient for your needs? And surely you'll agree that contracts extending offers "in perpetuity" (i.e., "forever") are often considered unwise in retrospect, following the advent of new technologies, economic realities, legal constraints, changes in market position, and potentially superior partners.
Finally, we come to our most problematic phrase, the colloquialism "no matter what." Here I must admit that the language employed in this offer was more hyperbole than serious offering. In amendment, allow me to lay out several exceptions. Please understand that this list is a mere adumbration of possible exceptions and not a complete list.
1. You are arrested for offenses including murder, assault, or any capital crime.
2. You make an offer of securities to anything else with a vagina, or such an offer of securities is made to you and goes unrebuked and unreported to me. Please note that my offer to you comes with an inseverable exclusivity clause (if a unilateral one).
3. You become fat and/or bald, or I meet your relatives and discover that they are fat and/or bald, thus indicating a poor prognosis for long-term market value.
4. Things get stale. You know what I mean.
I hope that this policy of full disclosure of material facts prior to the offer of securities, further intercourse, or an eventual real-estate merger will not bring about a net decrease in ardor, which may necessitate withdrawing the offer of securities altogether.
And, finally, in the interest of avoiding the need for any additional clarification-related memos, I hereby suggest that future meetings be held during normal business hours (Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.) and be scheduled through my secretary, and that our corporate dress code be observed, with exceptions made for the employment of prophylactics.
Neckties are still mandatory.
Apparently, the use of the boardroom for last night's meeting was insufficient to ensure a rational and precise level of dialogue.
Sincerely,
Your Girlfriend (pending assent to the above)
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
A Memo to My New Boyfriend Re: Clarification of Offer Pursuant to Securities and Exchange Commission Regulations and Also My Trouble With Monogamy By Jennifer Dziura
Yesterday's Book Reports From Today's Notables By Wayne Gladstone
Embryoyo: An Introduction
Some Other Zapruder Films By Robert Isenberg
Goofs Found in Hot and Horny Cheerleaders 5, According to the Internet Movie Database By Mike Richardson-Bryan
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