FAILING
AT FLIRTING
WITH THE HOT GIRL
AT THE OFFICE WHERE
MY FRIEND WORKS.
- - - -
Do you want something from downstairs? I'm just going down to the corner store, so not, like, pizza or anything—and not anything from below 16th Street. Just right here on the corner, that's it. But do you want something from right downstairs, from the market there?
- - - -
You lived in Seattle, huh? I lived in Seattle for a while, five years. Yeah ... partied a ton. Never really did any outdoors stuff, unfortunately. Dated a girl who was really into mountain biking, though. Broke up with me. Said I drank too much and I didn't do enough physical exercise or whatever, so ... yeah. I was like, "Oh, thanks for the information. Didn't know you were a doctor."
- - - -
I hate when I'm walking over here and I have to walk by Victoria's Secret downstairs and there are the mannequins. It's, like, how are you not supposed to look? You know what I mean? It's, like, what am I? Some kind of nonhuman? As if I wouldn't notice these basically naked women in a display window? You know what I mean? Well, obviously, you're a woman, so you wouldn't know what I'm ... Or would you? That's certainly not, you know ... I think love is love, right? I mean ...
- - - -
Steve was telling me about the trip you're taking. I think it's really cool that you're going to Rome all alone. Me, I've never been to Rome. I've always wanted to go to Rome. My girlfriend and I almost went last summer, but we went to ... well, to ... we went to no place, since she's, well, dead. Yep—yeah, so she's basically ... dead now, so she's kind of ... (I use my hand to make a sort of "out of the picture" gesture.)
- - - -
Let's do that game where you say if you'd make out with the person if you had the chance, or if they were the last person on earth or whatever. OK, you go first. Let's say the person is me. Keeping in mind that I would make out with you if the shoe were on the other foot. Let's say I already had a turn in the game, and I said yes, that I would make out with you. OK, your turn. Ah! You paused!
- - - -
Dan Kennedy's
Other Features.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Failing at Flirting With the Hot Girl at the Office Where My Friend Works By Dan Kennedy
The Return of Dud Durden: Our Second Electrangulations E-Book
Jane Eyre Runs for President By Sean Carman
The Conflicted History of the Wave By Michael Rottman
A Memo to My New Boyfriend Re: Clarification of Offer Pursuant to Securities and Exchange Commission Regulations and Also My Trouble With Monogamy By Jennifer Dziura
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.