DECKER MOODY,
SWIMMING POOL
SALESMAN.
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On Vinyl Liners
I don't have anything against pools that have vinyl liners, except for one thing: they suck. Even Shamu doesn't swim in a vinyl-lined pool. The only time I've ever used a vinyl liner was when I built my wife a turtle pond. And it leaked. One day I found the turtles scraping along the bottom, freaked out of their minds. Imagine coming home and finding your kids in a similar predicament. Not pretty.
On Trust
Here's what you need to know about Decker Moody. He's honest. Not because he's telling you he's honest, but because he is, after all, me, and lying in the third person would be idiotic and pointless, even if I were telling you the truth, which I am.
On Aesthetics
Grottoes, negative edges, spill-over spas, a cascading sun shelf, waterfalls, fiber-optic lighting, beach entries, misting systems, in-water bars, caves, rock slides, wave generation—we do it all, often for a single pool. It's about integrating your ideas with the terrain of your property to create a more attractive backyard. Or front yard. Because I'm a freak like that.
On Reputation
Anybody can win some artsy-fartsy award. But how many contractors have a former centerfold in their promotional literature? I feel that having my work showcased in blockbuster films is the most satisfying honor. Lusty Latins 18 and A Tale of Two Titties have detailed footage of a new style of coping I invented called Coral Reef, which is embedded with protruding shards of oyster shell. Patent that, pool-guild beeotches.
On Guarantees
I've carved pools out of mountainsides, dug into the roofs of skyscrapers, and plumbed Gulfstreams to accommodate high-altitude cannonballs. I like to take risks. I could die tomorrow; so could you. Owning a pool is about living life to its fullest, about existing in the moment. Coming home after a hard day and letting thoughts of mortgage payments, flat tires, and that irascible co-worker who you're certain stole your iPod just float away. Gone is stress and tension. Replaced with serenity, lowered blood pressure, and increased energy. You can't have a nervous breakdown while sitting in a spa. Pools often widen one's social circle, and I've seen them bring families together, even mend broken marriages. A pool can replenish the marrow of your soul. Then again, lots of people drown. Decker Moody is not God.
On the Customer
Like I said, I don't focus on winning awards. A cheap plaque didn't buy my wife's Rover, or the Presidential on my wrist. Customers enable me to buy those things, as well as private planes, vacation homes, and, every now and then, influence with building-code officials. Customers deserve all the accolades as far as I'm concerned, which is why I throw an annual party in their honor on my yacht. Hope to see you this fall in Sardinia!
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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