BRIAN BARTON,
24-YEAR-OLD POTHEAD,
WRITES TO PRESIDENTS
BUSH AND AHMADINEJAD.
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Dear Sirs,
Listen, I know there's been a real negative vibe between you two lately. I always see you guys on the news talking trash about the other guy, but I never see you dudes together. Man, you can't solve that kind of beef without some real heart-to-heart—a powwow, you know? I don't know everything there is to know about politics, but there is one thing that I do know about, and that is weed.
So check it, this is my idea. You guys need to get high together. Just you two. Leave Cheney and the ayatollah behind, and just smoke up! Explore some different perspectives together. I am certain this will mend the rift in our countries' relationship.
I know what you're thinking. You can't smoke up at Camp David or the U.N. because of all the cops and whatnot. So, here's the plan. I live in the basement of my mom's house. East Lansing. My mom's real cool with the pot thing—don't worry. I've got some Cali bud that's primo—just came in. I've got a couple of pipes, rolling papers, a massive bong, and a vaporizer. Or we can do brownies, whichever suits.
My basement is, like, the chillest place I know. I've arranged the furniture in anticipation of the meeting. Mr. Bush, sir, you get the futon and, Mr. Ahmadinejad, you get the beanbag chair. I will be moderating from the papasan chair. I've obtained black-light posters of your countries' flags that are hung above your respective chairs. It's badass—trust me. I have also restocked the mini-fridge with brew and a range of hors d'oeuvres. I don't know much about Iranian cuisine, but I imagine fish sticks and pizza rolls are pretty universal.
Down to business. Below is a brief agenda of what we might cover at the meeting.
Nukes. One thing to avoid here is thinking too much about atoms when you're high. We will go way off track it we do.
Oil. Again, let's avoid thinking about fossil fuels as organic remnants of an ancient planet. Dinosaurs, woolly mammoths, and the Pangaea are off-limits.
Iraq. Talking about death is the number-one buzz kill for me. So let's try to steer clear of matters of death and dying in our discussion of Iraq.
I really have a good feeling about this. I have at least one kick-ass idea every time I smoke. Between us three we could really hash some stuff out (pun totally intended!).
Your bro,
Brian
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