THE COMPLETE
HETEROSEXUALITY
COMMISSION REPORT:
JEFF BARNOSKY.
BY JEFF BARNOSKY
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Filed: April 1993.
Members of the Commission:
the 1993 Graduating Class
of Cathedral High School,
Indianapolis, Indiana.
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The Complete Heterosexuality Commission finds that Jeff Barnosky of Indianapolis, Indiana, is pretty much almost completely heterosexual. This, of course, is not how we feel, but Mr. Jones said we had to say it or we couldn't walk at graduation. While the commission understands that there seem to be some contradictions in our findings, we stress that this is only because the commission members believe, deeply and unwaveringly, that Barnosky is totally gay.
We speak for the student body—except for dickweeds, weirdos, that scary death-metal kid who barks before every assembly, and the top 10 students in the class. Because of our findings (and because Jones is a total fascist), we now officially declare that we may no longer refer to Barnosky as a "gay douche wad" or as a "Speedo licker." Despite the fact that those terms are monumentally hilarious and completely awesome, we shall refrain from using them. The commission believes that it is appropriate and accurate to refer to or address Barnosky in the following ways:
"Yeah, he likes girls—(cough) I mean guys (cough)."
"Hey, Jeff, did you have some hot sex with your girlfriend Stanley?"
"So, Jeff, did you ever quit smoking? Wait, what do they call them in England again?"
In that spirit, and because some of us on the commission are annoying jackasses who always piss people off because they have to act all smart and fair like they're better than everyone, we provide evidence to support Barnosky's claim that he is completely heterosexual.
Evidence for His Heterosexuality.
1. Stared at Julie Tampico's legs when she wore that way short skirt. Checked out her stairway to heaven. May have wanted to put a bustle in her hedgerow.
2. Molested Kindy Kendall's hips while slow-dancing to "I'll Make Love to You," which indicates a desire to make love to Kindy—not a dude. He wanted to hold her tight, all through the night.
Evidence Against.
1. Pronounces Aerosmith like he's from England: "Are-row-smith."
2. He's short.
3. Went to that foreign movie without naked chicks. Liked it. Wrote about it in that journal of his we stole.
4. Has a journal. Mentions only books and movies. (And a dude he calls "Katie.")
5. Went on a trip to France with People to People. Come on.
6. Just look at him.
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While most members of the commission feel that the evidence overwhelmingly proves the complete lack of heterosexuality of Jeff Barnosky—and we would like to finally add that you should open your damn eyes and just realize how much of a pole whistler he is—we are forced to say that he is, in fact, completely heterosexual.
And, because we see the way you're looking at us, the members of the commission would like to state for the record that each and every one of us is obviously and unavoidably completely heterosexual. Except on Tuesdays. On Tuesdays, all rules are off.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
The Complete Heterosexuality Commission Report: Jeff Barnosky By Jeff Barnosky
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