FAILED
ROLE-PLAYING
SCENARIOS.
- - - -
S C E N A R I O O N E
Naughty Schoolgirl
and Randy Literature Teacher
Required costumes:
1. Catholic-school uniform and patent-leather shoes
2. Conservative sweater and corduroys
TEACHER: Young lady, I'd like to talk to you in my office.
SCHOOLGIRL: OK. I'd love to come in your office.
TEACHER: Fine. I'm concerned about the paper you wrote on Emily Dickinson. You just wrote "She was crizzazy" on a piece of notebook paper. Emily Dickinson was a proto-modernist and a groundbreaking female poet. She was certainly eccentric, but calling her crazy denies the possibility that her unique aesthetic was intentional and implies that her poems were simply the product of mental illness.
SCHOOLGIRL: That's not very sexy.
TEACHER: Are you taking too many classes? Is that why you aren't finishing your work?
SCHOOLGIRL: Maybe if I take off my top and my—
TEACHER: Please stop that. I don't want to lose my job. Now, if you agree to do a makeup assignment on floral imagery in the poetry of Marianne Moore, I'll overlook this.
SCHOOLGIRL: But—
TEACHER: My office hours are over now. I'll look forward to getting that paper next week.
SCHOOLGIRL: I think we should get couples counseling.
S C E N A R I O T W O
Sick Patient and Naughty Nurse
Required costumes:
1. Tight nurse's uniform
2. Hospital gown
NURSE: Hi, Ned. Time for your sponge bath.
PATIENT: But I'm here for a heart procedure. Why do I need a sponge bath?
NURSE: Maybe because you're dirty.
PATIENT: Please, I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for my operation.
NURSE: Why don't you let me operate on you?
PATIENT: I don't think so. You're just a nurse. I don't think you know how to repair stenosis in a heart valve.
NURSE: No, but I do know how to fix a boner.
PATIENT: I'm sorry. I don't know what makes you think it's appropriate to have sex with patients right before they have surg—
NURSE: Forget it. I'm going to go watch Grey's Anatomy.
PATIENT: OK, please send my doctor in—
NURSE: Oh, can it.
S C E N A R I O T H R E E
Police Officer and Prostitute
Required costumes:
1. Male police officer's uniform
2. Slutty skirt and top
POLICE OFFICER: Miss, you are under arrest for solicitation.
PROSTITUTE: I've been a bad girl. Maybe I just need a spanking.
POLICE OFFICER: No, but you will need a lawyer. You have the right to remain silent—
PROSTITUTE: It's hard to be quiet when I'm so horny. Maybe if I gave you a little kiss, you'd let me off.
POLICE OFFICER: Anything you say can and will be held against you—
PROSTITUTE: I'll hold something against you.
POLICE OFFICER: Ma'am, I need to ask you not to touch me—
PROSTITUTE: Oh, come off it, Harold. You promised to try.
POLICE OFFICER: Would you like us to appoint a public defender for you?
PROSTITUTE: Seriously—
POLICE OFFICER: Please calm down, ma'am. I'm calling for backup.
PROSTITUTE: I want a divorce.
POLICE OFFICER: Oh no, my stenosis!
PROSTITUTE: You don't have a heart problem.
POLICE OFFICER: Maybe if you'd finished your Marianne Moore paper that I asked you for, you wouldn't have been suspended and wound up as a prostitute.
PROSTITUTE: (Sigh.) I want a divorce.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Failed Role-Playing Scenarios By Wendy Molyneux
Again, I'm Sorry I Failed to Make Millions of Dollars on Your Behalf: A Follow-up Letter By Dan Kennedy
The Complete Heterosexuality Commission Report: Jeff Barnosky By Jeff Barnosky
After Reading Some of My Journal Entries, It's Clear That I Need to Stop Watching Porn By Frank Ferri
Regarding Pete Seeger's Requests for a Hammer and His Descriptions of What He Would Do If He Had One By John Moe
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.