AN HR MANAGER
RESPONDS TO ALLEGED
INFRACTIONS.
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Homeless Dress Friday
I thought this was a great way to boost morale, and it seemed a natural escalation from Casual Dress Fridays, but I was appalled to hear that it generated some negative feedback. People were encouraged to dress "as homeless as possible," bringing whatever props (booze bottles in paper bags, etc.) to set the mood. I don't feel the event was in any way "tasteless" or "insulting." I would understand my reproach if I had called the event "Leach on Society Friday" or "Dress Like a Bottom Feeder Day." Though accurate, the names are clearly not acceptable. The day was a success, and it even generated a windfall of change during smoke and coffee breaks from generous passersby outside the building. Regardless, the Pimps and Hos Dress Friday scheduled for next week has been called off.
Ass-Out Tuesday
This was voluntary; no one was forced to cut the back of their pants out. I believe people complained thinking it was some kind of mandatory event. I assure you, it was not. The confusion may have stemmed from me and a couple other guys pantsing Randy from the copy room. This was for other reasons.
April Fools' Day
I agree that AIDS is not funny. And certainly not a proper theme for an April Fools' Day joke, even if it did have hilarious potential. You'll hear no excuses from me on that one.
H.H.I.C.
This stands for Head Honky in Charge, and I did call myself that for a short period during February and March of this year. I never would have guessed people would have taken offense. I believe that the claims from various unnamed personnel that it nearly ignited a "race riot" were largely exaggerated. Since then, I have had the whole department undergo sensitivity training. Now I feel better equipped, with tools enabling me to deal with white people as well as the coloreds.
Playboy
This magazine is not something I generally look at. It does get delivered to my office, but I throw each issue out as a symbolic action: to tell my staff, "You see, this is what I think of this smut." My respect for women is irreproachable. I'm not gay or anything! No way. I enjoy naked-lady magazines as much as the next guy. More so, probably. But I don't bring that kind of Peeping Tom lust to work. I leave it at home or, on very rare occasions, in the men's washroom.
Bring Your Kids to Work Day
Again, 100 percent agreed. Bring Your Kids to Work Day and ultimate fighting should never be mixed. And if two kids do somehow accidentally end up performing awesome, brutal moves on each other, under no circumstances should I start videotaping them.
Three's Company
I did hire a recruiter to find me three employees with the following last names: Furley, Roper, and Angelino. I would have checked their qualifications and made sure they fit the needs of our organization first. I certainly wouldn't hire them only because it would be awesome to tell people I had Mr. Furley, Mr. Roper, and Mr. Angelino all working for me. Regarding the e-mails to the recruiting agency you attach as evidence, in one of which I write, "Find me these three people and they have jobs. Whatever salary they want, whatever they need. The looks on people's faces when I tell them these three work for me will be priceless," I believe those e-mails were taken out of context.
Ass-Out Homeless Dress Monday
The merger of two great ideas. I expected this to be a big hit with the staff. The race riot that occurred that morning was, in my opinion, not preventable.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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An HR Manager Responds to Alleged Infractions By Rick Stoeckel
A Note Placed in the Pay Envelope of Billy "the Piano Man" Joel By John Moe
A Guest Columnist Still Getting the Hang of It By Ellie Kemper
Lesser Moments in Spanish Extra Credit By M. Randolph Pulver
Happy Mother's Day! By Jay Dyckman
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