THE ANDY ROONEY
60 MINUTES SEGMENT
THAT DIDN'T AIR.
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ANDY ROONEY: Another sex tape hit the Internet this week. I don't know what the big deal is. People look at Pamela Anderson or Paris Hilton in action, and they can't believe their eyes. Excuse me, but hasn't sex been around for generations? In fact, the reason we have generations is because we have sex. Every man and woman you see racing to catch a cab or zooming through Grand Central Station is the result of sex. Every single one of them journeyed through a vagina. If you have to watch a sex tape for educational purposes, you really should talk to a counselor—unless you're under the age of 12.
Then you should speak to a 16-year-old.
The new tape on the street is a unique one because it doesn't star some sexy blond airhead wearing too much makeup. It involves a respected political figure. There are rumors that Madeleine Albright released the tape on purpose because she misses being in the spotlight, but I don't believe that. If anyone was responsible, I'd say it was her partner in crime, Lou Dobbs. He's the one who comes off looking best, maybe because he's on the bottom, out of the harsh bright light.
Another tape about to surface, I'm told, involves Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and one of the top attorneys in the O.J. Simpson case. There's some chatter that this duo performs an act that isn't legal in certain states, but if anyone should know, don't you think it would be a Supreme Court justice?
I asked my 60 Minutes colleagues the following question: If you could make a sex tape with anyone, who would it be? At first they were reluctant to answer, but after three or four Rum Rickeys, I got them to spill.
Mike Wallace chose Academy Award nominee Naomi Watts. Morley Safer selected renowned American soprano Renée Fleming. Bob Simon chose best-selling author Zadie Smith. Steve Kroft picked Pink. Katie Couric chose Harry Connick Jr. Scott Pelley couldn't decide between Eva Longoria and the four girls from The Facts of Life. Without hesitation, Lesley Stahl selected Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Without hesitation, Anderson Cooper chose Jonathan Rhys Meyers. As for me, well, Jonathan Rhys Meyers is a jolly good-looking guy, and I get the sense he's a fantastic kisser, but I'd opt for Marcia Gay Harden.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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The Andy Rooney 60 Minutes Segment That Didn't Air By Garrett Socol
An HR Manager Responds to Alleged Infractions By Rick Stoeckel
A Note Placed in the Pay Envelope of Billy "the Piano Man" Joel By John Moe
A Guest Columnist Still Getting the Hang of It By Ellie Kemper
Lesser Moments in Spanish Extra Credit By M. Randolph Pulver
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