Timothy McSweeney's Header Image

IMPORTANT FOLLOW-UP
RE: THE NEW PASSWORD
COMPLEXITY POLICY.

BY SCOTT BLASZAK

- - - -

Dear Employees:

We've experienced some pushback regarding the new Password Complexity Policy effective last Wednesday. Resisting change is perfectly natural, but I think the recent objections are primarily rooted in misunderstanding. Yes, the new policy requires a bit more attention on your part, but it's truly not as bothersome as it's being made out to be, and I suspect in a few weeks you'll barely remember the transition. Let's go over the new policy one more time.

Passwords must be 12 characters or longer and must contain at least six of the following seven types of characters:

  • English uppercase letters: A, B, C ... Z
  • English lowercase letters: a, b, c ... z
  • Arabic numerals: 0, 1, 2 ... 9
  • Non-alphanumeric special characters: !, @, # ... $
  • Wingdings: a, b, c ... z
  • Japanese kanji characters: (To view these, consult your Microsoft Office Language Settings Help Guide)
  • Original bitmap drawings created in a graphics program, converted into typeface characters, and uploaded to the corporate-network font library

Including these characters is a great start, but it's even more crucial to avoid words and numbers predictable to a password generator or someone familiar with your personal information. Therefore, in accordance with the new policy, passwords must not contain:

  • Repeating characters, e.g., "AbbC" or "aOOO"
  • Number sequences based on birthdays, anniversaries, addresses, phone numbers, jersey numbers of childhood sports heroes, prime numbers, or perfect squares
  • Names of pets, schools, businesses, works of art, people you know, have known, or would like to know, things you own or lease, locations you've lived in or have considered visiting, or any concrete noun you've ever said in conversation

And that's it. Aside from these simple requirements, you're free to pick any password you want! See, I told you it's not so bad, and I hope whoever sent those vaguely threatening e-mails to the Help Desk last week considers an apology. In fact, you could say the new policy makes password creation a more imaginative exercise. Have fun with it!

Here's a sample password that meets the new requirements:

J8JΒΝzγΨfΛδ@6%vΤfShr57w/

(This password is for example purposes only and cannot serve as your personal password.)

Of course, just because a password meets minimum requirements doesn't mean it's as secure as it could be. To help you test proposed passwords, we've created the Password Evaluator, which can assess your password's security strength as you type it. I see many of you have taken advantage of it already. Fantastic! Also, to whoever keeps entering "IHopeYouPeopleRotInHell" into the Password Evaluator, let me assure you that that password is not very strong at all. For starters, it doesn't even have a Wingding.

Once you've decided on a valid password with a high security rating from the Password Evaluator, spend a few seconds committing it to memory and then destroy any written record of it. Voilà, you're done. Then you can sit back and forget about this password business for a whole two weeks, at which point your password will expire and you'll need to create a brand-new one.

A final note: It's very time-consuming for us to reset accounts for employees who've forgotten their passwords, so don't forget the cardinal rule of password creation: Choose something easy for you to remember!

Thank you for your cooperation.

Corporate Information Security

- - - -

OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:

- - - -

Important Follow-up Re: the New Password Complexity Policy By Scott Blaszak
Engagement Ideas I've Farmed Out to My Friends. Volume I: The Falcon By Jed Repko
Job Interview Tips By Matthew Horner
Grumpy Teenager Visits Atlantis By Max Lasser
Eunice Cooper, 82, Says George Clooney Can Have Sex With Her If He Wants By Sarah Smallwood

- - - -

MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES

 

Memories of Amanda Davis

 


Red dot denotes content that is new today.

Black dot denotes newish content.

McSWEENEY'S STORE

SUBSCRIBE TO:
McSWEENEY'S
THE BELIEVER
WHOLPHIN

FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS

THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD

INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE

McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST

McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES

ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:
FOR BOOKS
FOR THE QUARTERLY
FOR THE WEBSITE
FOR WHOLPHIN

McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS

CONTACT US

- - - -

LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S

LISTS

McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS

McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS

NEW WHOLPHIN FILM

DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST

JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY

REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD

DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW

SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT?

DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA

THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL

BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS

DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST

DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ

SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES

PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON

STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE

DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET

KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE

SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY

LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES

THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST

ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT

ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES

ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS

ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS

LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY

DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY

ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY

DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE

JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN

MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY

DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO
A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA


STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT

- - - -

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL