Please welcome Amy Jean Porter's horse T-shirt. For the next few days, the shirt is 20 percent off. - - - -

SWEET-ASS ICE SCULPTURES I'M GOING TO MAKE WITH A CHAIN SAW ONE DAY. BY MATTHEW DUVERNE HUTCHINSON - - - - Ice Sculpture No. 1 A huge ice dolphin carrying a suitcase of ransom money in his snout jumps an aircraft carrier (made of ice). A formation of ice jet planes have to pull "evasive maneuvers" to avoid smashing into the dolphin's huge icy dorsal fin. An ice rainbow frames the scene. Ice Sculpture No. 2 A full-scale ice sports car peels out of a full-scale ice Mrs. Winners, and some ice skanks get turned on. Ice Sculpture No. 3 A Rollerblader made of ice grinds his way down a huge spiral staircase. At the bottom of the staircase, there is a trapdoor, leading to a gay bar. Ice Sculpture No. 4 The planet Saturn is rendered in ice, with a huge ice python emerging from Saturn's north pole. I know what you're thinking—"That's been done a million times." But what hasn't been done is to stage a badass ice eclipse where ice Saturn blocks the ice sun completely and all the ice aliens on a darkened ice Neptune freak out. I'd probably need a grant for this one. Ice Sculpture No. 5 Basically, just a huge-ass pile of ice cubes. Ice Sculpture No. 6 Ice me is bench-pressing 500 pounds in front of my ice webcam, which is streaming the whole glorious event to an assembly of ice United Nations ambassadors. Ice Sculpture No. 7 This one is more conceptual. A simple square block of ice represents one man's suffering. Sequentially stacking the blocks, I create a numerically repeating visual pattern of ice blocks. One row of seven blocks representing the seven continents of earth, two rows of four blocks representing civilizations as yet undiscovered, and so forth. Repeating the pattern vertically, I create a confining space of spiraling ice-block walls. Standing on top of the structure is a really, really hot chick. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Sweet-Ass Ice Sculptures I'm Going to Make With a Chain Saw One Day By Matthew DuVerne Hutchinson Pros and Cons of the Top 20 Republican Presidential Candidates By John Moe Important Follow-up Re: the New Password Complexity Policy By Scott Blaszak Engagement Ideas I've Farmed Out to My Friends. Volume I: The Falcon By Jed Repko Job Interview Tips By Matthew Horner

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